Managing Tension During a Divorce
Divorce can involve some of the most stressful moments in
a person's life. Since emotions can run high, even a simple
message between divorcing spouses can easily turn into a misunderstanding.
The stress, distrust, and uncertainty surrounding the
case can often make calm and productive communication feel impossible. Finding
ways to improve communication during this season can ease tension, protect
peace of mind, and even reduce litigation costs.
Why Divorce Makes Communication Difficult
Divorce is emotionally charged because it involves deep
feelings of loss, anger, fear and frustration. The legal process naturally intensifies those emotions by setting the parties against one
another. When communication is clouded by pain and defensiveness, a simple text
or email has the potential to escalate into conflict. Miscommunication doesn't
just cause emotional harm, it can also prolong your case and increase legal
fees.
A Model for Understanding the Communication Process
David Berlo's SMCR communication model (Source, Message,
Channel, Receiver) provides a helpful framework for improving communication in
high-conflict situations.
Source
The source is the person conveying a message. Tone, word
choice, and attitude all affect how a message is received. Personal
experiences and upbringing can influence communication style.
For example, someone who was raised in a loud and
confrontational household may need to work harder to communicate in a calm
manner. The good news is that communication is a skill which can be developed.
Counselors, life coaches, or parenting coordinators are all experts who can
help parties identify their weaknesses and strengthen their communication
skills.
Message
The message includes both the words chosen and the manner
in which those words are delivered. Communicating in the morning is often most
effective, since both parties are generally less tired and more patient.
Messages to a co-parent should remain brief, informative,
friendly, and firm, in order to minimize misunderstandings and emotional
escalation. Texts or emails should be avoided when emotions are high, since
wording may not accurately reflect true intentions. Tone and body language also
play a significant role in communication and can be nearly as impactful as the
words themselves.
Channel
The method of communication is just as important as the
content being conveyed. In-person discussions are typically most effective,
followed by video or phone calls, emails, and finally, text messages.
As communication becomes more distant or less personal,
the likelihood of misinterpretation increases. Choosing the most appropriate
medium and maintaining awareness of tone and body language during face-to-face
interactions can significantly improve understanding and reduce conflict.
Receiver
The source has little control over how the other person
receives the message. However, they can reduce the chance of conflict and
increase understanding by carefully choosing how their words are delivered. It
is best if all parties can practice patience and avoid assuming the worst about
the other party's intent.
The Bigger Picture
Effective
communication during a divorce doesn't only make the process smoother, it also
reduces stress, improves co-parenting relationships, and helps the parties move
forward with less conflict and expense. By practicing patience, awareness, and
consistency, communication between the parties can shift from a source of
frustration to a powerful tool for resolution.