HowYour Behavior in the Marriage Can Impact Your Divorce 

Todd Orston (00:06):

Welcome everyone to Divorce Team Radio, sponsored by the divorce and family law firm of Meriwether and Tharp. I'm your host, Todd Orston and here you're going to learn about divorce family law from time to time, even tips on how to save your marriage if it's in the middle of a crisis. If you want to read more about us, you can check us out online at atlantadevorsteam.com.

(00:27):

All right, let's get started. Last week, I spent some time talking about a general question, went into some detail of course about why divorce happens. In that show, I tried to focus really on just what those issues are, meaning again and again, we see cases come before us. People call, they need help, and there are recurring issues that come up in those relationships.

(01:03):

Issues that lead those couples to a breakup potentially divorce. Is it important to highlight them? Well, again, it happens again and again and again. Yes, I believe identifying what some of those issues are is important because maybe you're heading down a similar path. Maybe you are seeing some of that similar behavior. If you can identify it and avoid it, maybe you can get your relationship back on track and avoid having to call someone like me.

(01:47):

Last week, we talked about what those things are and those common behaviors. This week like I promised, I want to talk now about those same issues, those same behaviors. In the context of you couldn't prevent the effect on your relationship, it is heading towards a divorce. How is that behavior now going to impact you legally speaking? That's really what it comes down to, if you can't change behaviors, avoid incidents and issues, what's going to happen?

(02:31):

Well, unfortunately the breakdown of the relationship and potentially the breakdown of a marriage and now all of that behavior doesn't just go away. All of the evidence of that behavior unfortunately is likely going to be brought up at some point in some context. This week let's talk about that. Let's talk about the real world impact beyond just the breakdown of the relationship, but the real world legal impact that some of these behaviors and some of these issues can have on not just the divorce but the legal aspects of the divorce.

(03:22):

Last week, I went into nine different behaviors and issues that we see come up again and again, they're recurring. A lot of people struggle with these things. I'm going to hit those same behaviors again from the point of view of now a divorce attorney having to handle the case and how are we going to manage the evidence that is now being presented regarding the behavior? Now, what I talked about was these nine behaviors or issues that come up.

(04:09):

Conflict and arguing was number one. Two was lack of commitment. Number three, poor communication, just general poor communication. Four was a lack of shared interest. Five infidelity, six was domestic violence. Seven, addiction issues. Eight, contributions to the family, financial and non-financial. Nine was financial infidelity. Now, some of those nine can have a very material significant impact on the relationship and not much impact in a divorce.

(05:01):

Some of them, as you can probably imagine, can have a very significant impact in both senses, in both areas. Not only did it unfortunately impact your relationship, but if your relationship heads towards a divorce, it's going to get brought up. It's going to be an issue that is raised, evidence of that behavior will be presented at the appropriate time. It could be if you're the one that was acting that way or engaging in that behavior, be prepared.

(05:43):

You don't need me to tell you this, it's going to get brought up. When I say brought up, it could be in the form of communications, recordings, emails, texts, video. It could be reports and records. If police were involved, if charges were brought. It could be orders, protective orders that in other words, somebody goes out and obtains something and that has a major impact on you and on a divorce case.

(06:19):

Witnesses can suddenly step forward and they can prepare affidavits. Be ready to testify on behalf of the other party or on your behalf if you're the one that needs those witnesses. Again, the evidence doesn't just go away and you need to be aware. You need to understand actions carry consequences. Putting aside that some of the things we're going to talk about are just wrong, right?

(06:51):

I'm not defending some of these behaviors, some of these actions and activities. I'm not even sitting here from a judgmental point of view. I'm just saying, look, you don't need me to tell you infidelity is probably not going to be rewarded in the context of a divorce. Domestic violence certainly will not, addiction issues, if you can even get past the impact on your family, the impact on yourself, if you are the one suffering, then absolutely the court is going to be concerned.

(07:32):

I want to go through all of these behaviors because as quickly as at the beginning of the show I said, Hey, I see the behavior all the time, I have to highlight and make sure that I am very clear in saying these are the issues that divorce attorneys deal with all the time that judges deal with all the time. It is behavior that repeatedly impacts divorce cases. Sometimes a little, sometimes not at all, and sometimes significantly. That's what we're going to do today.

(08:14):

Let's get started with, and it's probably going to have to go into segment two, but let's talk about conflict and arguing. If there is a lot of that going on, you're not able to communicate and the communication, I'm going to get into in another segment also and it's one of the nine. If that communication is breaking down to such a degree that it is constant conflict and arguing, can that have have an impact on the relationship? We already talked about it, of course, but can it impact a divorce? Absolutely.

(09:04):

This is where you do have to be worried about what's being recorded. You do have to worry about the tone of your written communications. You do have worry about witnesses who maybe observed certain behavior and can then testify about it. When there is that level of very heightened emotion where the communication is broken down to such a degree that it is yelling and arguing about everything. As a lawyer, I'll tell you it comes up.

(09:45):

I've brought it up numerous times. It's been brought up against clients. Let's talk about what is the potential legal impact. Well, the potential legal impact is if you are the, I'm just refer to it this way, the aggressor, the court is going to want to take steps to deal with the issue and that could be on both a temporary and a permanent level.

(10:15):

I'm going to go into that in a moment when we come back because there's no way I can leave it there. This happens and comes up all the time. When we come back we'll go into more detail. We'll be right back.

Speaker 2 (10:33):

I just wanted to let you know that if you ever wanted to listen to the show live, you can listen at 1:00 AM on Monday mornings on WSB. You can always check us out there as well.

Todd Orston (10:44):

Better than counting sheep I guess, right?

Speaker 2 (10:46):

That's right.

Todd Orston (10:48):

You can turn on the show and we'll help you fall asleep.

Speaker 2 (10:54):

There you go.

Todd Orston (10:55):

I'll tuck you guys off.

(10:55):

Welcome back everyone to Divorce Team Radio show sponsored by the divorce and family law firm of Merriwether and Tharp. I'm your host, Todd Orston. If you want to read more about us, check us out online at atlantadivorceteam.com. If you want to read transcripts or listen to shows again, you can go back and listen at divorceteamradio.com. Today, we're discussing, well, why divorce happens?

(11:20):

Really last week, if you go back and you listen to last week's show, we really just talked in general in terms of how these behaviors can affect relationships. This is the evolution of that conversation. It's the nine very common issues that come up in relationships that can lead a couple towards a divorce. Once we get into the divorce action, that's what we're talking about today, how can those behaviors impact the case?

(11:58):

Why divorce happens and then well, how's it going to bite you in the future or how will that behavior, if you're the one that was the person engaging in the behavior, if the other party was, how's it going to impact a judge's decision in terms of how to deal with the four core areas? How will it impact custody issues? How could it impact, if at all, child support issues?

(12:27):

How could it impact alimony or division of property and debt? That's what we're talking about. So last segment before we went to break, I was talking about number one. Number one being conflict and arguing. If it's gotten to the point where you just can't talk, you will argue over what breakfast cereal to eat, it just doesn't matter. There is no rational conversation anymore.

(13:00):

Well, if you're heading into a divorce and if at some point a court, a judge is asked to deal with some issues, temporary issues, final issues, that failure and inability to communicate will come up. I mean, while a court wants everyone to behave and you can stay under the same roof and let's just generally deal just generally with temporary issues, a court could absolutely remove somebody from a residence.

(13:44):

If you can't communicate and it's raised voice's, name calling you name it, then you are going to be seen by the court as a problem. The court potentially can deal with the problem by removing the problem. A case could last, just let's be honest here, a case could last forty-five to 60 days or it could last upwards of a year or so. I've heard and experienced cases that lasted beyond a year.

(14:22):

If it has gotten to a point where the behavior is so bad, a judge could feel like it is appropriate to remove somebody and if you get removed at the beginning of a case because the court was critical of your behavior, you could be out of the house for months and months and months. By the way, that doesn't mean that you no longer have an obligation to help pay for those marital expenses.

(14:52):

It's not like you can say, "Well, we didn't get along, the judge made me leave. That's unfair, but you know what? At least I don't have to pay the mortgage. I don't have to pay utilities, I don't have to contribute." You could be removed and still have to contribute, not ideal. Those are temporary issues, you could be removed, but it can impact in other ways.

(15:16):

If you can't agree on basic things and if the court is critical and feels that the communication method that you are using is too aggressive, it can impact custody, absolutely. I have seen people have limited or more limited custodial rights because they can't get along co-parenting is a very important issue in custody. Can the parties get along and communicate and prioritize the needs of a child over their own emotional issues?

(15:56):

Meaning can they put their emotions aside in order to make sure they are prioritizing the needs of the child? If you can't, then do not expect that a court is going to reward that by giving you a higher level of or a larger amount of custody time and custody responsibility. I have seen people lose custody. I have seen parents who have really acted as that primary parent who have taken a child or children to every doctor appointment, teacher conference, you name it.

(16:35):

I have seen them lose custody on temporary and on a final basis because of this, you need to be aware of that. Is it going to impact issues of child support? Not really, not unless on the custody side if child support could be impacted by decisions made on the custody, that's a different story, but for the most part, if you can't communicate that doesn't mean you're going to get penalized to pay more. Same thing for alimony, somebody is loud, can't communicate, does that mean that the court's going to punish them?

(17:20):

Well, if you're that difficult, maybe the court will be upset by your behavior and maybe more willing to award alimony. I don't believe it's not going to be tied directly to your poor communication skills. The court's just going to take the position of, "Hey, don't communicate anymore. That's what a divorce is about. You can go your separate ways, but hey, let me determine whether or not, you, the person asking for alimony has a need."

(17:53):

If you've acted up to such a degree that the court really doesn't like your behavior, maybe the court's going to lean towards, yeah, there's a need, but it's not a direct correlation between the two, loud argumentative behavior and support and what about division of property and debt? Well, could a court punish what it deems as poor behavior by giving more assets or assigning more debt to the aggressor? It's possible.

(18:32):

If a court does not like your behavior, and as you can imagine, I've seen bad behavior. People who just, they can't help themselves. They're so caught up in the emotion of the divorce. They're so angry and bitter and they can't communicate. The evidence mounts and there are recordings and there's witnesses and you name it. All of a sudden a court is listening to all of these things and reviewing all of that.

(19:11):

Could a court hold that against you and feel that you are this controlling presence? Feel that you have engaged in behavior that maybe even crosses that line into abusive behavior? Could the court take all of that and hold it against you in terms of division of property and debt? It's possible. Now, let's go to number two before we go to break. Lack of commitment, is that going to really have a major impact on the divorce itself?

(19:48):

Did it impact the relationship? Sure, if there is limited intimacy, no romance, maybe even the friendship has withered. If there is some level of emotional distancing, then could it impact the relationship? Absolutely. How about a divorce? Again, go back to the forecourt. Is it going to impact custody and parenting time More than likely, no. I'm never going to, well, I'm not going to say never, but rarely do I just say definitively.

(20:30):

Absolutely not, but it's not going to have as much impact on the legal side. On the emotional relationship side, you don't need me to tell you, and I'm not a therapist, counselor, psychologist, psychiatrist, who could say it a lot better than I could, but in terms of your relationship, if you can't commit to that relationship, if there is no intimacy, romance or even friendship, then I don't know how the relationship survives.

(21:08):

On the legal side, custody and parenting time, not really. On the support side, child support, absolutely not alimony, I don't really see an easy path to use that evidence. Then, on the division of property in debt, oftentimes courts will take the position of, look, it didn't work and I'm going to give both parties what they want, which is this divorce. I'm not going to, in essence, punish one party for not wanting to commit emotionally. Number two, lack of commitment. I don't really see a huge impact.

(21:46):

When we get back, let's go into the more general term of poor communication because that can and does often have a big impact. Hey, everyone. You're listening to our podcast, but you have alternatives, you have choices. You can listen to us live also at 1:00 AM on Monday morning on WSB.

Speaker 2 (22:08):

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Todd Orston (22:19):

Welcome back to Divorce Team Radio, a show sponsored by Meriwether and Tharp. I'm your host, Todd Orston. If you want to read more about us, check us out online at atlantadivorceteam.com. If you want to read transcripts, listen to shows, you can find it all at divorsteameradio.com.

(22:38):

Talking about the basic question which is not so basic why divorce happens? Went into the nine examples and there are more, but the nine examples that come up repeatedly and first show, we talked about just the impact on relationships and why. Maybe you need to hear what some of these common traits, common behaviors are that impact relationships and cause parties to move towards a divorce.

(23:14):

Hopefully, at some level you want to change the behavior to see if you can avoid the divorce, meaning the breakdown fully and finally of your relationship. This show is more about okay, that didn't work, the behavior occurred and basically you are in a or heading towards a divorce. We talked about first conflict and arguing. We then moved on to lack of commitment, intimacy, romance, friendship. I want to talk about poor communication.

(23:57):

It sounds more general. It's definitely an aspect of the arguing and conflict. I separated it just because arguing and conflict and that kind of communication if you want to call it that, is pretty obvious. Yelling, screaming, name-calling, just aggressive tone and aggressive posture during communication, that's pretty obvious. What if it's not that obvious? We've all heard of that passive-aggressive kind of behavior? What if the person you're dealing with is that proverbial narcissist?

(24:51):

What if the way they are communicating is more manipulative than it is aggressive? What if someone just shuts down and they're just not communicating with you? Well, first you have to look at what the nature of the communication is. If you want to keep talking about the relationship and the other party is shutting down because maybe they have made up their mind, does that mean up? That's an example of poor communication, that's not really what I'm talking about.

(25:25):

I think a court will understand that at some point if someone has made a decision, they don't have to keep talking through it with their spouse. I'm talking about when you're dealing with issues that need some closure, resolution when you're dealing with kids, when you're dealing with financial issues that might be time sensitive and you're just shutting down and you're not communicating, that absolutely can come up and have an impact.

(26:04):

Going through four core, let's do it that way. Custody and parenting time, I could spend an entire show and have in the past. If you can communicate and talk about and work through issues relating to the kids, a judge could absolutely limit your parenting role, limit the amount of time you spend with the kids, limit your role in terms of decision-making. Limit your role in terms of setting and scheduling and dealing with medical issues, educational issues.

(26:44):

If you engage in behavior where you're just shutting down, maybe it's purposeful and maybe you just can't handle things at that moment in time, nonetheless, the court could absolutely hold that against you and say, "Look, I understand you're hurting but you have children and your children have needs and shutting down means that some of those needs aren't going to be met and maybe things will be missed."

(27:11):

The court then takes it to that next level and says, "Well, of the two parties, which is going to be able to put the emotion aside and deal with the day-to-day needs of a child?" Co-parenting requires communication. If you show a court you are able to communicate, fantastic. I think it will benefit you in many ways, but if the opposite is true and you cannot communicate, do not be surprised if a court holds that against you and limits your rights.

(27:46):

In terms of poor communication, do I think it's going to impact alimony? No. Child support? No. Maybe some bill payment things, but that's really more on the custody side, establishing the activities and all of that that result in a cost. Then, division of property and debt. It's not very clear, meaning I don't see a clear path where somebody can say, "They didn't communicate and therefore I want more assets." If we're talking and we're going to talk about financial infidelity, okay, but that's more purposeful.

(28:27):

If you're not communicating to the extent that financial decisions that need to be made aren't being made, then yes, a court could step in and give control over assets on a temporary basis to the other party. If your failure to communicate is resulting in losses, financial losses, then maybe the court could hold that against you and maybe the other side will get more assets, or you will carry away more debt that was incurred because of your poor communication.

(28:59):

Let's go on to number four, lack of shared interest. This is one of those where of the nine I will say I'm not going to spend much time. Lack of shared interest absolutely can impact the relationship, but does it impact a divorce? No. If everything else is fine, you guys can still communicate. There's not a lot of yelling, there's not a lot of conflict. It's just like I said in the last show, one side likes jigsaw puzzles, the other side likes to jump out of airplanes.

(29:39):

There is no middle ground. Is that going to resonate with the court and influence a judge to just give one more? If the judge loves jigsaw puzzles, is the judge going to say, "You know what I'm going to give that person more." No, I mean I can't tell you with 100% surety, maybe the judge really likes jigsaw puzzles, but for the most part, no. That's more something you really need to stay focused on in terms of trying to create the healthiest relationship with your spouse possible.

(30:23):

Finding some shared interest, working at creating some shared interest. I went into that last show, not going to go into it here. Now, let's go into some of the behaviors where it is more obvious. Generally speaking, more obvious in terms of the impact on a divorce. Let's start with infidelity. Potential legal impact? Yes, but I'm not going to go back on what I have said numerous times that infidelity oftentimes doesn't have the impact people think it should.

(31:09):

I'm not saying that there aren't examples of people who have brought infidelity evidence to the court's attention and the court has punished the bad behavior, so do not. No one listening should take my statement there to mean, "Okay, I can engage in that behavior and nothing will happen." Not what I'm saying. Putting aside the breakdown of the relationship because of the violation of that relationship trust.

(31:40):

The behavior can be considered by the court and used against you, held against you in terms of the court deciding what to do on some of these four core areas. Can it impact custody and parenting time? It could, especially if your behavior is very reckless. I've heard judges say, I once heard a judge say there's a difference between a cheater and a cheater. Somebody has an affair, makes a mistake, owns up to it. That's different than the person who is going out and meeting different people every weekend.

(32:17):

That kind of behavior can create an unstable environment and that could be held against you. Is it going to impact child support? No. Alimony? Not really. Same reasoning I said before, court may not like your behavior, but at the end of the day, alimony is based on need versus ability to pay, it's not punitive. Division of property and debt? It could. If the court really dislikes your behavior and especially if there's evidence that you spent marital monies pursuing these extra marital relationships.

(32:55):

Then, it absolutely can come back and bite you. When we come back, we're going to continue and I think we're done with infidelity. Let's jump into a very serious recurring issue, which is domestic violence. We'll be right back.

Speaker 2 (33:15):

I just wanted to let you know that if you ever wanted to listen to the show live, you can listen at 1:00 AM, on Monday mornings on WSB. You can always check us out there as well.

Todd Orston (33:26):

Better than counting sheep, I guess, right?

Speaker 2 (33:29):

That's right.

Todd Orston (33:29):

You can turn on the show and we'll help you fall asleep.

Speaker 2 (33:33):

There you go.

Todd Orston (33:33):

I'll tuck you guys off.

(33:36):

Welcome back, everyone. I'm Todd and this is Divorce Team Radio sponsored by the law firm of Meriwether and Tharp. If you want to read more about us, check us out online at atlantadevorsteam.com. You want to read transcripts, listen to shows, go to DivorceTeamRadio.com. We're talking about why divorce happens more in the context of behavior and I'm going over nine common behaviors and issues that come up in relationships and the impact in a divorce.

(34:08):

That's what we're talking about today, the impact. Talked about poor communication, I'm talking about the inability to communicate at all the way to, yeah, there's communication, but it's usually loud and there's usually some colorful words used during the communications, so we've talked about that lack of commitment, shared interest, we just talked about infidelity. Now, let's talk about domestic violence and I'm going to have to go through the last three fairly quickly.

(34:46):

I've done shows on all of these, but domestic violence, potential legal impact? Of course. Temporary and final issues meaning final resolution, well, if there is evidence of that kind of behavior, the other side could start the case with a temporary protective order under the Family Violence Act. They can get an order from the court, an ex parte order, you'll be removed from the house.

(35:21):

I can tell you if that's granted and a hearing is conducted and the court grants the protective order and that is followed by the filing of a divorce, the court's not just going to easily allow you to go back into the house and change that protective order. You could be removed from the house temporarily and still be financially responsible for the expenses related to it, so that's a temporary issue. When you're dealing with the other four core issues. Can it impact custody? Yeah.

(35:59):

If there's evidence of violence and aggressive behavior, if there's evidence of stalking, harassment, something where the court's questioning your emotional stability, it absolutely can impact custody and parenting time. Going back to what I said, I've seen and had cases where a party did everything for the children, but then engaged in behavior and it upended all of those things. It just called into question.

(36:35):

Despite years of dedicating their life to the care and welfare of children, called it all into question and the judge at that point basically said, "Well, almost like thank you for your years of service, but I'm now so concerned about this that I'm going to give some of these primary custodial rights to the other party." Now, is it going to impact child support? Not directly. If it impacts custody, of course it could impact potentially child support issues.

(37:09):

Is it going to impact alimony? Not really. I mean, I'm not going to say bad behavior, I don't want to repeat myself, but it's not a direct correlation. It's not punitive in nature and therefore it's not like, "Well, I don't really need alimony, but my spouse abused me in some way and therefore I want some money." That I can tell you right now my opinion, of course, that's not how it works.

(37:39):

If there's a need or an argument for need and there's that evidence then maybe the judge will err on the side of giving you the support you're asking for going to the final division of property and debt. Can abusive behavior impact a judge's determination as to what is fair? I can't sit here and say no, it's definitely possible. Remember in Georgia, I can't speak for other states, in Georgia we are equitable division of property, what is fair and reasonable under the circumstances of your particular case.

(38:17):

Equitable does not necessarily mean equal. If the court is so moved by your bad behavior, could the court feel that equal or not equal, but equitable should be a 60/40 split in the other party's favor? Yeah, 70/30, 80/20, whatever the case might be, it's definitely possible. Putting aside what I have to say, which is if you're that angry, please talk to someone.

(38:50):

Before it gets to a point where you have committed criminal behavior and potentially hurt someone. Don't even get me started. If the abuse of behavior happens in front of children, which can result in additional criminal charges. As much as I oftentimes will say, I don't want people just leaving the house because of the impact it can have on temporary use of the residence and all of that. If you need to remove yourself in order to stay calm, do it. Please, I'm begging you.

(39:20):

That leads me to addiction issues. I could do a lot of shows on that, have done shows on it. Can it impact custody? Of course. Can it impact child support? Not so much unless a lot of, well, if it impacts custody, then of course, like I said, maybe something comes up where it has an effect on child support. Can it impact alimony for the reasons I said? I will again say not really. Division of property and debt? Maybe, remember it's equitable.

(39:56):

If the court feels that you have burned through a bunch of money buying drugs, engaging in bad behavior, then it could. Contributions to the family, that's number eight. Financial and non-financial, can it impact? Absolutely. Custody? Yeah. I can't tell you how many times people will say, "I feel like I was treated poorly by a judge." They're usually calling to try and see if they can change what a judge did.

(40:29):

I have to look at the facts and I have to look at them and say, "This is less about the judge just being unfair to you and more about you not realizing that years of you not lifting a finger to help, you didn't go to any teacher conferences, you didn't take the kids to doctors or dentists, you didn't go to or show up at any events or activities. Now, all of a sudden you're asking for joint physical custody or something.

(41:00):

The judge doesn't reward the years of poor participation on your part. If it's financial, could it impact? Yeah, if your failure to participate and help financially, if that's not part of the family plan, I mean, I'm not talking about situations where you are a stay-at-home mom, that was the plan. Now, all of a sudden your spouse who is moving forward with a divorce wants to be critical of the fact that you haven't had a job in seven years. I'm not talking about that.

(41:42):

If you, financially speaking, if there's a history of your help being needed, and I'm speaking very generally and it's not an issue of, "Well, I already have this role and I can't walk away from it without us incurring even more expenses." Have I seen cases where and experienced cases where your assistance was required and you not only didn't step up, but maybe. That leads me to nine, you engaged in some level of financial infidelity. Engaged in irresponsible spending and financial waste. I've seen it go both ways.

(42:34):

Four core, I will tell you, custody and parenting time. If you are so unstable and there is such a level of irresponsibility, could it impact a court's decision regarding custody? Maybe if you would rather spend money doing something, you like to do some activity as opposed to buying food for the kids or putting clothes on their backs or shoes on their feet, then yeah, but financial infidelity I have seen come up many times.

(43:12):

Will it impact child support? Not really, because we're talking about waste and assets that are gone because of your behavior. Alimony, maybe. Alimony still comes down to at the most core level need versus ability to pay, so it's a budgetary analysis. Really it then goes to right to the heart of division of property and debt. We will bring in experts and we will go through the books and we will absolutely go into court and bring to a court's attention the fact that money was wasted.

(43:52):

Sometimes the court will ignore it and say, "Well, you know what? You're getting a divorce. I'm just going to go ahead and split things 50/50 to try and be fair." Sometimes the court will say, "You know what? That's a lot of waste and I'm not going to reward that. I'm going to give a larger portion of the remaining assets to the other party."

(44:10):

Unfortunately, that is all the time that we have for today. I really appreciate you listening. I hope it helped. Hopefully, you'll tune in next time and get some more good advice. Thanks so much.