How Should I Tell the World That I Am Divorcing?

Todd Orston:

Welcome back everyone to Divorce Team Radio, sponsored by the Divorce and Family law firm of Meriwether & Tharp. I'm your host, Todd Orston, and here we're going to learn about divorce, family law, and from time to time even tips on how to save your marriage if it's in the middle of a crisis. If you want to read more about us, you can always check us out online at atlantadivorceteam.com. Sometimes big announcements are good. It's your birthday, yay; you're getting married, woohoo. You know there are times where not only are big announcements of those happy occasions good, but they're also easy. I mean, you're just sharing this happy moment with the world.

Well, what about divorce? What about something that has more of a negative connotation? How do you share that with the world? Because I can tell you right now, sharing it in a similar way, it just doesn't work. I mean, quoting Shakespeare, "Friends, Romans, countrymen lend me your ears. I come to let you know that I'm leaving Caesar, I'm taking his favorite chariot and half of the army." That doesn't work, right? What do you think Caesar's reaction was going to be or would be if he got that message? Well out on campaign? Probably not good, and I don't think... I'm not an expert. I don't think joint custody of an army is ever a good idea. But jokes aside, big announcements like that can have negative reactions. The shock value can basically have this ripple effect that can impact the entire divorce process.

So when it comes to making the decision, obviously that is a very personal decision that you need to make and I'm not taking anything away from that. It's a big life event. I'm talking about divorce. But once you make that decision, there are some technical decisions that need to be made like how am I going to tell my spouse? Are there emergency issues that really require me to kind of drop that bomb? Do I need to just go ahead because of some emergency issue, file and have my spouse served? Or are we going to start things in a more amicable kind of way? Maybe you're already in conversation with your spouse, they know it's coming. Maybe they didn't know exactly when, but sitting down across the table saying, "Hey, it's time." So how are you going to let your spouse know?

That opens the door to, and I'm not saying this is in order of importance because you'll see when I get to the last example, obviously I would even say that's probably the most important, but what about family and friends? Do you take out a full page ad in the local paper and say, "Hey, everyone just want to let you know." I have seen people not take out the ads in the paper, but I have seen people who go on social media and just blast out there, "Hey, this is our new reality." And oftentimes when that does happen, the reaction's not good and it makes it that much more difficult to get through the divorce process amicably to make sure that both parties are acting reasonably and working together to try and resolve whatever issues there might be.

So we have said here on the show, time and time again, what you say is incredibly important. This is one of those situations where it's not just what you say, it's also when do you say it? That goes back to the issue of how do you give notice? How do you put your spouse on notice? How do you then let friends know? And then going back to the very important part of this, if there are children, how do you let your kids know? As with many things in life, there are good ways and bad ways. There are right ways and wrong ways. There are ways that prioritize you and your needs, and there are ways that clearly are focused on the needs of the children.

So we're going to talk about these things during the show. If you are unfortunately in that situation where you've tried to work on things, you've tried to save the relationship, it's not working, divorce is a reality. Well, obviously you're going to put the paperwork together, you're going to gather the information that you need, you're going to file. At that point, you're going to have to have the other party served, and there are ways you can do that that are more or less aggressive. But you're going to have to then decide, how do I let my spouse know and when and how do I tell my family? How do I tell all of our mutual friends?

Do I just go on a campaign of trying to win those friends to my side? Do I just start sharing all of our relationship drama, whatever it might be and whatever it might look like? Do I just start sharing all of that with friends? Again, actions carry consequences. What you say, how you say it, when you say it, it's going to be really important. At Meriwether & Tharp, we like to believe that we truly are a resolution focused firm. We are looking at what the best way to resolve the issues will be. How can we approach things in a very reasonable way to get our client through this sometimes painful event as quickly and amicably as possible?

That starts at the very beginning because the tone you set at the beginning and the things you do thereafter, as quickly as you can do things that draw someone towards that settlement table, the way I like to put it, as quickly as you could draw somebody in and get them to be reasonable and negotiate in good faith, you can also do things that push them very far away from that negotiating table. I have seen cases, because of certain behavior, I have seen cases that should have been resolved within weeks or let's even just say a month or so, all of a sudden are still dragging on six months, eight months, 12 months later simply because things were done usually on more of an emotional level.

That just made it very difficult for the parties to see eye to eye to get to that neutral ground where both parties are like, "All right, hey, let's put emotion aside. Let's focus on the issues. I'm going to negotiate in good faith. You're going to do the same thing. Let's get through this." So this show, we're going to talk about that. I'm going to talk about things you should be thinking about when you are needing to let your spouse know, things that you should be thinking about and approaches you should think about when you are thinking about how to tell family and friends, when to tell them.

We're going to talk about kids; how do you let your children know? What are some things that work? What are some things that you should probably steer clear of? So we're going to talk about all those things because at the end of the day, it's not a matter of if you need to get a divorce, you've already made that decision. So it's not if you need the divorce, it's if you want to get through this divorce as quickly and painlessly as possible. If you don't like money and you just want to spend a whole bunch of money on fees, listen, even though that's our business, that's not what we want for you. And a lot of times all that happens by acting in these ways is it just creates more drama, more need for litigation. It just creates delays in getting to that final resolution. All right, when we come back, we're going to jump into the question of how do I tell my spouse? We'll be right back.

Speaker 2:

I just wanted to let you know that if you ever wanted to listen to the show live, you can listen at 1:00 A.M. on Monday mornings on WSB, so you can always check us out there as well.

Todd Orston:

Better than counting sheep, I guess, right?

Speaker 2:

That's right.

Todd Orston:

You can turn on the show and we'll help you fall asleep.

Speaker 2:

There you go.

Todd Orston:

I'll talk very soft.

Welcome back everyone. I'm Todd and this is Divorce Team Radio, a show sponsored by the divorce and family law firm of Meriwether & Tharp. If you want to read more about us, you can check us out online at AtlantaDivorceTeam.com and if you want to read a transcript of the show or go back and listen to it or other shows again, you can find it and them at DivorceTeamRadio.com. So today we're talking about, all right, I've made the decision that I need to move forward with a divorce. Now the question is how do I begin? We're not talking about the technical how-do-I-begin in terms of paperwork? We're talking about how do I just put people on notice? How do I let my spouse know this is happening? Because there are ways that you can do it that can create drama and there are ways you can do it where hopefully you can minimize that drama.

And what am I really saying when I say that? I'm really saying you could have a case that settles in a month or so, or you could have a case that drags on for 6, 8, 10, 12 months and sometimes it is as simple as just starting the case, putting the other side on notice, engaging with other people to let them know about this divorce in a respectful way that doesn't trigger the other side. So that's what we're talking about and what I want to start with now is let's talk about your spouse. You've made that decision, you are basically moving forward with a divorce. Let's say you've contacted the attorney, you've given information that you need to give, they have prepared the documents, maybe they've even filed it, your spouse doesn't know yet. Well, if there are emergency issues or there are circumstances where sometimes you just need to file and have them served, I get it.

There are times, especially if your spouse could kind of sort of disappear, make it difficult and evade service that it may not be advisable to talk to them ahead of time. And that's a strategy decision that you need to make with the attorney. But every case does need to start that way and sometimes it is better to sit down, have a calm, hopefully calm, rational conversation with your spouse and let them know, "Hey, this isn't working and I'm moving forward with a divorce." By doing that, and again, I'm not dealing with safety concerns and things of that nature--not because it's not important, but because of course if there are safety concerns--if you fear that the reaction will be violent or aggressive in some way and you don't feel comfortable doing that, don't. So please don't take what I'm saying to mean you must put them on notice that way directly and put yourself maybe in harm's way.

What I'm saying is if you can have that conversation, oftentimes it starts you off on that right foot. Divorce, it's an unfortunate situation you're going through it, I get that. But if you start the right way, then the doors of communication are opened hopefully. If you treat the other party with a certain level of respect, whether you feel that they deserve it or not, then the doors of communication and therefore the doors to negotiation are hopefully open and that's going to allow you to discuss the important issues, work on solutions and hopefully ultimately arrive at a final agreement that doesn't require a whole bunch of litigation, court appearances, what have you. So let's talk about some things when you're talking or thinking about, rather, how you're going to tell your spouse when you're going to tell your spouse.

So number one, you do need to think about what your spouse's reaction is going to be. You need to think about your spouse. I mean no one knows them better than you do. I've had people come to me and they're like, "Ah, this is not going to go well." Okay, well let's talk about some options. All right. Every case is different, every different case has different people and therefore many cases just require different approaches and that's something you can talk and should talk with your attorney about. You have to think about what that reaction might be like. So for instance, if you think that this is going to come out of the blue and the reaction of your spouse is not going to be good, you probably shouldn't be doing it when the kids are sitting right there.

You may not feel comfortable even doing it when it's just you two alone, but the flip side is, does that mean you should be in a completely public place where your spouse is then also feeling some level of embarrassment? But again, you're going to need to tailor that approach based on things that the attorney doesn't know. I don't know your spouse, I don't know how they will react and therefore you're going to need to think about, okay, this might be the best way to approach it. The point that I'm making is really just that it needs to be part of your thought process. Sometimes people, it's sort of wet and forget kind of, "I hired an attorney, I made my decision. Go ahead, move forward." And they don't think about those next steps.

Sometimes the attorney doesn't remind them or doesn't have that conversation of, "Hey, got it. We are preparing the documents we filed. Tell me a little bit more about your spouse because we're going to need to have them served. Do we need to have them served by a sheriff deputy or do you want us to mail them something? Do you want to have an opportunity to sit down with them and let them know ahead of time?" And by the way, if you're going to do that, that doesn't mean you just do it on day one. You may want to do some prep work so that that way if the reaction is bad, you are prepared, you're ready.

So that leads to another issue of choosing the right place and time. Again, doesn't mean on day one you've decided I'm getting a divorce, I'm storming into the kitchen and saying it's over. That's not the right approach and you're not prepared because if their reaction is bad, I've seen situations where someone does that. I had one person come to me and we had this conversation and I said, "Well, all right, I mean what's done is done. You told them that you were contacting an attorney, you are. And unfortunately now they're on notice and they're going to react." Next thing you know, I'm getting a call and this is not the first time this happened and they've been shut out of credit cards, they've been shut out of bank accounts and they're looking at me going, "Oh my gosh, what do I do?" Well, now we have to react, but in the meantime, there is no magic button to push that automatically gets you access to those accounts and assets.

Another thing is be prepared to talk and be prepared to listen. Talk doesn't mean you're just going to, "Hey, listen, sit there, be quiet, I'm telling you something. We're getting a divorce." That's not a conversation. If you want to have that conversation and try and really actually accomplish something, you have to be prepared to also listen. Every aspect of a divorce includes give and take, and communication is no different. I always tell people, "You can't go in thinking I'm getting everything that I want." You have to think, "I'm probably going to have to give up something to get something in return." And so you can't just walk in and go, "Divorce. Enjoy your night, talk to you soon."

If you're going to have the conversation, it's a conversation. But then you have to monitor your reactions, you have to monitor how you react to their response. Understand their response may be emotional. That's kind of understandable. You can't allow that to trigger you. I'd rather you walk away and say, "Hey, listen, I know you have things to think about now, why don't you do that? But I don't think this is going to be a productive time for us to have a conversation about this." Rather than you get triggered and suddenly you're in an emotional argument. So basically what I'm trying to say is you have to approach this in an open and respectful way, and if you do, it's going to hopefully pave the way for better conversations regarding settlement. When we come back, we're going to talk about how do you let family members and friends and those types of people know that this is happening? We'll be right back.

Hey everyone, you're listening to our podcast, but you have alternatives, you have choices. You can listen to us live also at 1:00 AM on Monday morning on WSB.

Speaker 2:

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Todd Orston:

All right, everyone, we're back. This is Divorce Team Radio. I'm Todd Orston, your host and partner at the Divorce and Family law firm of Meriwether & Thorp. If you want to read more about us, you can check us out online at AtlantaDivorceTeam.com and if you want to read a transcript of this or other shows, you can at DivorceTeamRadio.com. You can also listen to us live. It's one A.M. Monday on WSB.

All right, we're talking about actually what is a really important thing you need to be thinking about, which is how do I let the world know that I have decided to divorce or that the other party has filed and we are now divorcing? It's actually really important because it sets the stage, it sets the tone for how your divorce is going to go. You start aggressively, don't be surprised when you get aggressive behavior in return. Start more respectfully, and by the way, I'm not saying it always works, but start in a respectful way, act in a respectful way in terms of letting the world know and hopefully you can get through things without a lot of that unnecessary drama.

So what about family and friends? Well, look, close family and your family, obviously you're going to let them know and especially if they don't have a lot of contact with your spouse other than family events and things of that nature, unless they are then going out and sort of publishing that private information so that it ultimately can get back to your spouse, then everyone needs an outlet. If you can't look to your family for support during a difficult time like a divorce, who can you look to? Still there are ways you can do it respectfully and what have you, but let's just assume when we're talking about close immediate family, your parents, close aunts and uncles, whatever, whoever on your side of the family that you feel you need to tell, obviously just be respectful. Do it in a way where that message isn't also being seen and heard by many, many, many other people.

More... Not more important, but where things get really difficult is friends because there is oftentimes a blurring of the lines where it becomes one of those things where who is that person truly friends with? Are they the husband's friend and the wife is now friends with them, but they're going to be loyal to husband or vice versa? So what you don't want to do is immediately go on, I keep using the word campaign, but engage in a campaign of trying to win over all those friends. All of a sudden you are just disclosing all the ugliness, all the issues that have led you to that point in time.

If all of a sudden you are pushing all that information out and it is now out there for public consumption, for consumption at the very least by your friends, then think about that. Think about how the other party is going to react. I'm not even saying don't do it because it hurts their feelings. Maybe they acted very badly. Maybe that bad behavior deserves to be known by family and friends. I get it. What I'm saying is if you do that, then again you are potentially expanding the litigation. You are just getting off on that wrong foot because now the other party is angry, they're embarrassed, they're calling people they thought were friends, "Hey Bob, want to grab a beer?" "I heard what kind of stuff you do and I don't think we're going to be drinking any beers anytime soon." I've seen situations where it got so bad that... And we're not talking about... Well, I'll just say it.

I've had a few situations where it was so bad and the party was out telling all these stories, all these issues about violent behavior and things of that nature. And to be honest with you, at the end of the case, it sort of turned out that a lot of it wasn't true but they were publishing that to all the neighbors and friends and what have you, to the point where even when the husband in that case was trying to set up play dates, the child, or in that case they were children, but the child in question was no longer even invited over. So it started to impact the children's lives. It created an immense amount of embarrassment for the husband in that case. And what did that do? Well, it certainly didn't get the parties closer together in terms of negotiating settlement.

So things to think about. You don't need to tell your entire story to the world. I mean, and there'll be a time where you're close friends and confidants, you want to sit down, you want to share the details, fine. My advice, get through the divorce first. If you need somebody as a witness in your case, that's a different story. But in terms of telling your entire marital life story, understand that if you want to get through the case a little bit faster with a lot less drama, you don't want to engage in that kind of behavior because it's probably going to come back and bite you in some way that maybe you don't even think about. It's funny that I was thinking about this.

Sometimes we see a lot of drama in the celebrity world and there are a lot of cases where there's just explosive drama and talk about publishing information about one party or the other. I mean, everything is in the public eye, but it's funny because while we don't have PR people and we're not going to put out some kind of a PR statement about every one of our clients, the world doesn't care. That's not how we handle non-celebrity divorces. But it's amazing. Sometimes celebrities actually get it right. When you see some of the statements that are coming from some of these celebrities and you look and you listen and you see that basically they're coming up with a statement that just shows and states, "Look, we're separating. There's no drama." If you go back to like 2018, Channing Tatum and Jenna, his wife at the time, they basically came out and they said, "Hey listen, we're sharing this with everybody."

This is what they said, "It feels odd that we have to share this kind of thing with everyone, but it's a consequence of the lives we've chosen to lead, which also we happen to be grateful for." And they basically just said, "Listen, there's nothing changed about our lives, but we're getting a divorce and we're keeping it amicable and all of that." I don't know what happened behind closed doors. I don't know if there was more drama than that, but the message that they put out there was a message they came up with together and that's an important point.

In the next segment we're going to talk about kids because I wanted to save that for last because to me it's the most important. But finishing up here, I do want to say if you have that kind of a relationship, meaning I know you're going through a divorce, but if you can communicate, it makes things I mean a lot easier, meaning the entire process can be easier. Even if you disagree on so many things, if the marriage was rocky for so many different reasons, if you can figure out a way to even come up with the right messaging where you can say, "Listen, we didn't see this coming, or we did what we could to work through our issues, but you know what? We love all of our friends that have been so supportive and we want to let you know that we are getting a divorce."

It is a way to go about it by working together to come up with a message that you can both jointly put out there, but that's not always possible. I get it, I'm not naive, but don't flip to the other side where all of a sudden you're hiring planes with banners that are flying along beaches and it says, Yeah, I hate my spouse and I'm getting a divorce." You don't need to go on social media and post things that are embarrassing to notify the world that you're getting a divorce. That doesn't help you at all. So when we come back, we're going to focus on kids. It really is the most important thing you need to be thinking about. If you have children and you're going to go through this process, how you behave, how you tell them about things, that can impact your relationship with the kids, their health and happiness. So we're going to focus on that when we get back.

Speaker 2:

I just wanted to let you know that if you ever wanted to listen to the show live, you can listen at 1:00 A.M. on Monday mornings on WSB, so you can always check us out there as well.

Todd Orston:

Better than counting sheep, I guess, right?

Speaker 2:

That's right.

Todd Orston:

You can turn on the show and we'll help you fall asleep.

Speaker 2:

There you go.

Todd Orston:

I'll talk very soft.

All right everyone, we're back. This is Divorce Team Radio, a show sponsored by the Divorce and Family law firm of Meriwether & Tharp. I'm Todd and if you want to read more about us, if you want to listen to this show or other shows, you can check us out online at AtlantaDivoceTeam.com and you can also find a lot of the shows at DivorceTeamRadio.com. So we're talking about how do I tell my spouse, how do I tell family and friends? How do I tell my kids that unfortunately the relationship, the marital relationship between their father and mother is unfortunately coming to an end.

I don't envy anybody that has to have that conversation, but I beg anyone that has to have that conversation that you do it the right way. At this point in my career, I have seen it done the right way, but I have seen too many people do it the wrong way. And the impact on kids can be dramatic affecting their behavior, affecting their grades, affecting the relationship with one or the other parent. By the way, it's not always as simple as saying, "Well, I told the kids about their mother, father, whatever the case might be and certain behaviors and therefore the kids are going to be angry at that parent." I have seen it quite often backfire. Whether that's right, reasonable, whatever for the kids to have those feelings, it doesn't matter.

We're dealing with kids and I have seen it backfire where a party engages in behavior and communication with kids where they're just sharing too much or the tone is so negative and so critical; name-calling and just statements that clearly are trying to convince a child or children that their other parent is just not a good person. And then the kids turn around and get angry because it seems like every day, every hour of every day they are having to listen to that spouse just disparage another parent that they love.

So I've seen it go both ways and look, if the other parent is dropping the ball as a parent, believe me when I say the kids are going to figure that out, they oftentimes do. Kids are a lot smarter than we give them credit for and unfortunately I have read too many guardian ad litem reports or reports from custodial evaluators who have spoken with the kids and the kids oftentimes know what's up. They understand their parents, they know what they're dealing with. On too many occasions I've seen kids... Actually, I've seen parents. I had a client who really gave a lot of thought to how am I going to let the kids know? And came up with a plan, actually talked to a therapist about it and worked out a way that she could communicate with her kids and sat them down and they were old enough to know what's what. I sat them down and at the end of her little statement, they both looked at her and said, "Why did it take this long?" And she was dumbfounded.

She was one of those people that... Obviously I believed her, but if you believe what she's saying, she's one of those people that really tried to insulate the kids, not spend every moment of every day and every opportunity with the kids to just pitch how bad the other parent was. And they looked at her and said, "Why did it take that long?" So they knew what was up, they knew what the other parent's deficiencies were. So figuring out a way to let the kids know, you have to be respectful, you have to think about not you and your needs, but the children and their needs.

I mean, I'm not a therapist, but time and again, it's the same things that in the same ways that children suffer. Issues relating to is it my fault? Are you guys getting a divorce? Do you not love one another? Is it something I did? How you proceed, how you put everyone on notice and how you govern yourself, that can play into the children's feelings about their involvement in what happened. Or does this mean you guys don't love one another? Does this mean you don't love us? So if a parent is seeing just going from love, I love your father, I love your mother to the exact opposite and a deep, deep anger bordering on hatred, maybe it's well over the border, how do you expect kids to deal with that?

How do you want them to reconcile that these two people that raised them and were so happy and went on trips to Disney and Six Flags and whatever park they went to and days in the parks and all of a sudden hate each other. So also you have to think in terms of children aren't your therapist. Sometimes people are like, "Oh no, I'm not saying negative things." But you're sharing all of your frustrations. The best advice I can give when it comes to letting the kids know is if at all possible, first of all, talk to a therapist. Talk to a therapist who specializes in working with children who can really identify what the children's needs are and then come up with and help you come up with a way to address the issue with the kids.

Number two, see if you can't do this with your spouse. Basically start that conversation with your spouse by saying, "I haven't told the kids yet. All right, why don't you and I when the dust settles and you have sort of processed this, why don't you and I figure out how we can approach the kids. I'd like to do it together so the kids know it's not their fault, so the kids know we still love them, that this is a mommy daddy issue and has nothing to do with them." Do everything you can to insulate them so that they don't have these feelings that maybe they were complicit in the problems that led to a divorce.

These are things that you can do. They are within your power. And I know some people say to me, "Todd, if I don't tell them, my spouse is going to immediately let them know or my assumption is they have already spoken to the kids." You can't control the other party. I get it. You can control yourself. And I will tell you this, courts often will consider those types of things, meaning the court wants to see which parent is truly thinking about the children's needs. Hopefully, again, you can avoid prolonged litigation, but if unfortunately you hit disagreements and if at some point you have to stand in front of a judge, I can only tell you you want to be the person who did try to insulate the children, who didn't post all over social media about the other person's failings.

I mean, I have used those types of things against people in court again and again. And you know what? While I can't tell you what the result of every single one of those cases is, I can with pretty high level of confidence tell you the judge never liked or appreciated that kind of behavior, especially if there are kids involved. So this is not the time to allow a motion to dictate your actions. This is the time to figure out how can I let the people who need to know, know in a way that does the least amount of harm.

If you still have to go to court, if you still have to have a hearing, a trial, whatever, if there are still issues where you're hitting an impasse and you can't settle easily, quickly, fine that's what the court is there for; mediation as a negotiation tool and settlement tool. There are other tools there to try and help you get over those humps. You don't need to complicate things by acting in a way that makes you look bad and potentially even hurts third parties like the kids. Hopefully this helped, and thank you so much for listening.