The best laid plans can fall apart when there is no follow through. In today's show, Leh and Todd discuss 10 resolutions that the recently divorced should consider taking following the granting of their divorce. These resolutions will improve the quality of your post divorce life and help make sure you move forward on the best possible footing.
everyone. I'm Leh Meriwether and with me is Todd Orston. We are your co-hosts
for Divorce Team Radio. Our show is sponsored by the divorce and family law
firm of Meriwether & Tharp. Here you will learn about divorce, family law,
and from time to time even tips on how to save your marriage if it's in the
middle of a crisis. If you want to read more about us, you can always check us
out online at atlantadivorceteam.com. Todd? You there?
Todd Orston: I'm here.
Meriwether: You're here.
Todd Orston: Yeah. I was hanging on your
Meriwether: Oh, okay. Well, I
enjoyed our last show about New Year's resolutions for your marriage.
Todd Orston: I like it also. You know
what, I'm even going to go so far. I like it so much, I'd like there to be a
similar theme for this show. We haven't talked about it, but what do you think?
Meriwether: I think that's a
good idea. I think we should hit 10 New Year's resolutions for the recently
Todd Orston: You know what, I mean, I
wish we talk about it earlier, but I think it's a great idea.
Meriwether: We can wing it.
We can come up [crosstalk 00:01:14].
Todd Orston: We can wing it. We do that
with most of our shows anyway. So why make that a resolution. Prepare for
shows. No, I'm kidding. It's all over the place.
Meriwether: Oh, wait. Do you
mean our show, show, we need 10 resolutions for Divorce Team Radio? Oh, I
missed that one.
Todd Orston: That'll be the next one.
Leh Meriwether: I didn't even think about it
because I knew you weren't going to fall through on anything anyways.
Todd Orston: Oh my goodness.
Meriwether: It just went over
Todd Orston: Well, at least we don't
have hundreds or thousands of witnesses to that defamation.
Meriwether: Defamation. Truth
is a defense.
Todd Orston: All right. Before I get
myself into too much trouble... All right. No. But look, we are positioning it
in terms of New Year's resolutions, right? But this applies to anyone. This is
truly limited to New Year's resolutions. These are tips that anyone who has
recently gone through divorce that this is going to help you. It's just ways to
focus or refocus to make sure that you are putting your best foot forward,
putting yourself in the best position to have a successful 2021. And I think we
all agree we need a more successful 2021.
that being said, that's why I'm loving these shows, meaning how we're
presenting it in terms of let's think of these as resolutions. Think of it in
terms of not just, "I have to do this." It's, "Okay, I'm going
to do this. This is going to help me. It's going to help my family." So
anyway, that's our thought behind it.
Meriwether: Let's start with
hard one for some people. Number one, stop fighting battles from a dead
marriage. It's over.
Todd Orston: Nothing you do at this
point will change history, right? The unfortunate events that led to the
breakup of the marriage... My take on what were saying here is it is what it
is. It happened. And unfortunately the relationship broke down. You ended up
having to go forward with the divorce, but it is time to move on, right? That
divorce should be seen as almost cathartic in nature. It is okay. I am now
phoenix reborn. It's time to put the bad things aside and move on.
that mean you forget? No. Does it mean you forgive? Maybe not. It depends on
how bad the behavior was. It doesn't mean you allow any grudges to continue
into the new year, and especially, if you have children, I mean if you harbor a
grudge, but you're never again have to talk your spouse again because there's
no kids, so be it. It still may not be healthy for you, but especially if there's
kids, it's time to put it aside, put it behind you and just look forward.
Meriwether: Yeah, because all
too often, people will use their lawyer or court to try to settle basically
emotional issues they have with their ex. I'm talking about contempt of court
actions or just writing nasty letters all the time. It's the most expensive and
usually the least effective way to handle these problems. You can handle them
with a therapist, with a life coach, a wise friend or counselor.
to get practical, because just saying stop fighting battles from a dead
marriage. That sounds great, but it's not actionable. So what you do is if
you're having trouble dealing with your spouse, because of a battle that you
had in your marriage like something that you always thought about, maybe even
that's what led to the death of the marriage, but obviously, all that fighting
it didn't change the other person. So what you do is you sit down with your
counselor and you identify those battles that came out of your now dead
have the counselor help you develop coping mechanisms to deal with them. So
when you feel the urge to begin an argument, the coping mechanism steps right
in and you're able to go, "You know what, I'm not going there."
Because you know it's not productive. In fact, it's counterproductive and often
just too expensive. It is counterproductive because it makes the other person
angry and it may make you feel good, but you're wasting a lot of time and
energy on it.
seen people lose jobs. So you want to put a financial cost on it. Let's say
they have an $80,000 job and you get fired because you're so obsessed with your
ex, you're still fighting the battles from your marriage that it interferes
with your ability to work. So this leads to number two, which is trying to be
actionable. Find a good counselor.
Todd Orston: It's so important. I'm one
of those people, I have the utmost respect for people in that profession. But
as with anything, as with divorce lawyers, as with doctors, teachers, you name
it. There's some that are good. There are some that are not as good. All right?
And if you are constantly thinking of how can I get onto that path of like get
back to a more healthy place, how can I move past the negativity that led to a
divorce and resulted in a divorce? You need good people on your side. And a
good counselor, there some counselors that do a really good job of helping you
move past the anger and all of that. And some who maybe don't.
make sure you find someone good, someone... Because it's really hard. Leh, you
and I have talked about it. It's really hard to self-evaluate. And finding a
good counselor, they're going to help you work through how and why, and where
your marriage failed and what you can do to avoid it in the future. And also
how to just let go of any resentment and anger that you have over why you lead
or lead to that place, and why you had to unfortunately turn your life upside
down emotionally speaking and go through that divorce. The blame game, it's not
a game. It is something that people engage in, and unfortunately don't let it
go, all it's going to do is bring additional negativity into your life.
Meriwether: Right. For those
that may have said, "Well, I didn't do anything wrong. It was the other
person's fault." Usually, that's not the case, but maybe in your case it
is true. I mean, I've seen that before. And I have met some very wise people
That said, "You know what, I did make a mistake. I married the wrong
person. And what do I mean by that? And this is where I typically see this
example. They married someone with addictive personality and they knew they had
a problem. Perhaps they met them, they were drinking too much and they get
married. The addiction shifts from alcohol to drugs, whether legal or not.
then that destroys them. Not only does the marriage gets destroyed, but a
husband or wife, father, mother, they get destroyed along the way. So I've had
people go, "I'm going to counseling because for some reason I find myself
attracted to people that I think I need to help." I don't want another
marriage to end like this. So they get into counseling. Todd, you were talking
about self-evaluating to make sure you don't marry that same type of person
let's get practical again. So we can't just say we got to find a good
counselor. Here's what you do. You say, depending on when you're listening to
this, but let's say in the next two weeks, so by perhaps February 1st or
February 15th, whenever, I'm going to call at least five counselors. And then
I'm going to pick one that I'm in the use by February 7th... Or let's say
February 15th. Put another week on there. So it will be February 22nd. So by
February 22, I would have narrowed it down to one, the one I'm going to use and
then I'm in to schedule an appointment with that person by March 1st.
you put those dates on your calendar and you put reminders. I don't know about
you, but I know on my phone I could put three reminders. One week out, three
days out, one day out, the day of, and put reminders so it keeps popping up at
your calendar. "Oh, shoot. I need to call two more counselors because I
got to find a good counselor that's the right fit for me. Get practical. Put it
on your calendar. Make it happen. Execute so that you can find that good
counselor, you can get in with them and you set yourself up for success at so
many levels. And we'll get into those new levels, those other levels as we come
just want to let you know that if you ever want to listen to the show live, You
can listen at 1:00 AM on Monday mornings, WSB. So you can always check us out
there as well.
Todd Orston: Better than like counting
sheep I guess, right?
Leh Meriwether: That's right.
Todd Orston: You can turn on the show
and we'll help you fall asleep.
Meriwether: There you go.
Todd Orston: I'll talk very softly.
Meriwether: Welcome back,
everyone. This is Leh and Todd and we are your co-hosts for Divorce Team Radio,
a show sponsored by the divorce and family law firm of Meriwether & Tharp.
If you want to read more about us, you can always check us out online at
atlantadivorceteam.com. And if you want to read a transcript of this show or go
back and listen to it again, you can find this at divorceteamradio.com. We're
also available anywhere you get your podcasts.
Well, today, we are going over 10... We're going at New Year's resolutions for
the recently divorced. But Todd, you pointed out last segment, it really
applies for anybody who just got divorce. These are 10 good ideas for you to
walk through, make these resolutions after divorce is granted so that you set
yourself up in a positive light, in a positive way when it comes to
co-parenting, your relationship with your ex, your relationship with
potentially your future spouse, your relationship with all those around you.
is why we are to get into something that if you don't do the third one, it can
lead to a whole kinds of problems with just dealing with people around you, and
talk about that. But forgiving your spouse.
Todd Orston: This is the hardest one. I
mean, of everything we're going to talk about, this is by far the most
challenging one that we're going to talk about. I'm sorry I interrupted you,
but please forgive me.
Meriwether: I can forgive
Todd Orston: So we can move on with the
Meriwether: Fantastic. Yeah.
It's that important. But you know what, Todd I'm really doing that more for me
than for you. That's actually the truth. People don't realize that forgiveness
is as much for the person who grants it, as it is the person who receives it.
Because if you harbor that grudge, it plays in all your relationships around
you. I mean it's funny because sometimes I have met people and they'll be
telling me about their... They're saying, "Oh, you're a divorce lawyer.
Let me tell you about my divorce." And they'll start talking to you and
you're like, "Wow. So was your divorce granted last month?" "Oh,
no. That was 20 years ago." You're like, "Wow, you really have to let
was a social gathering, pre-COVID obviously, but then you start inching
yourself slowly away from that person because you don't want to hear about it
anymore. I mean, that's the struggle.
Todd Orston: Yeah. You're not going to
get that emotional closure that you need until you're able to forgive. Now,
does that mean forget? No.
Todd Orston: Does it mean to ignore the
bad behavior? Does it mean that you have to remain best friends? No. I mean, if
you've been hurt, if you've been wronged in a significant way or maybe not even
significant, but just if you've been mistreated, I'm not saying forgiveness
means forgetting that behavior, but you have to get some closure in your life.
The only way in my mind and I'm not an expert in this field, but what we see
with clients too often is that they can't get beyond that behavior, get to a
point where there is some level of forgiveness so that they can themselves
emotionally move and they become sort of emotionally stagnant. They get stuck.
all that happens is it starts to influence... And again, I'm now speaking as a
divorce attorney that you start to see how it is infecting so many other areas
of their life. New relationships, relationship with their own children,
relationships with other friends and family, and just continued strife with the
former spouse. And again, just because you been divorced, doesn't mean there
can't be additional litigation. Too often, we have to deal with contempt. Too
often we have to do with modifications.
do believe if people could get to some level of forgiveness so that they could
then communicate better with a former spouse, especially where children are
involved, we would avoid a whole bunch of litigation.
Meriwether: Yeah, for sure.
There are certain circumstances where it is critically important you don't
forget what happened. A perfect example of someone that have an alcohol
addiction. And part of the reason for the divorce was you caught your spouse
driving drunk one day with your children in the car. Well, obviously,
identifying the signs where you're like, "Okay, this person is drinking. I
can tell. I can tell by the way they're slurring their words.
has their own... Some people you can't tell unless you're married to them,
whether they're drunk or not. Some people very functioning alcoholics and it's
very scary. But when you're married to the person you can really identify it.
So that's an example where you don't want to forget that because you never want
your children exposed to a potentially dangerous situation. But by the same
token, you have... But by forgiving the person, you can still talk about that
person in such a positive light to your children.
don't remember if you remember a while back Todd, we did that show and it was
with... I think it was with some co-parenting coordinators and they were
telling the story, and it's actually one of the books I read, I think, where
they're telling the story about this gentleman who was extremely successful. I
forgot how many books he's written and everything, but his mom always talked
about how great his dad was. So every time he did something positive in school
whether extracurricular activities or whatnot, his mom would always say,
"You know, you got that from your dad."
later on in life, he actually met his dad. So he grew up not really knowing his
dad except for all the positive things his mom always said. He meets his dad
and he says, "Dad is a complete loser." He's an adult now so he can
obviously identify this, he's a chain-smoking, drinking, just a loser. And I'm
not saying just because you're a chain-smoker, you're a loser. It was just a
whole combination thing.
he goes back to his mom and he was... In one level, he was kind of angry like,
"Why didn't you tell me the truth about my dad?" She said,
"Because every time I gave you that positive encouragement that something
good was inside you, you strove for something good next time. But if gave you
an excuse for every time you did something bad to say, well, that's just how my
dad was, I don't know if you would have achieved what you did." He agreed
with his mom.
that's an example of where you can learn to forgive your spouse, and then
specially if you're married. And then you can relay something positive. You can
protect your children but at the same time relay something positive, that can
give them almost emotional tools to be successful in life.
Todd Orston: Yeah. I remember that story
and I love that story. That's why I started this segment with... This is the
hardest thing. Of all the tips that we are giving, we are by no means the
experts in this field. This also goes back to us talking about counselors and
therapists, and what have you. They are the front-line workers that are helping
people through this pain. But the one thing that we see again and again and
again is there is this inability to forgive, and that results in an inability
to move forward to just get past the pain and start to really think about what
is my future going to look like. Because I got to tell you, I've seen too many
clients where a year, two years, five years, 10 years, it's almost as if they
are in the same mental place that they were in before they even got divorced.
anger is still there. The resentment is still there. Everything is still there.
Am I surprised when their calling saying, "I want to file a contempt. I
want to file a modification. I want to fight." No, I'm not surprised
because they themselves were not able to let things go. And letting things go
also might mean, you are now modifying how you engage with that person.
I'm not saying, you have to be best friends, but there are ways then that you
can modify your interactions. You don't need every conversation. Even if you
have a belligerent person on the other side, to me, forgiveness can also include
that's who they are. I'm not going to to let them affect my life anymore. I'm
done with that. So I'll communicate with you. I'll keep things civil. If you
can't do the same, were done for the day. "All right. Have a lovely day.
I'm to go enjoy mine. Thank you so much."
Meriwether: So number four
falls in line with this, and I think it's almost... And for some people, it's
actually just as hard as number three. And that's forgiving yourself. So it
really really does take two to tango and sometimes the breakdown for the
marriage can be shared 50-50, sometimes 60-40. Sometimes you're blindsided by
the divorce and you may have trouble forgiving yourself for ignoring the warning
you didn't see it coming. Remember we had a... I think it was Bill Butterworth.
He wrote a book about... Was it new life after divorce? I apologize, Bill if I
don't remember the name of it. But Bill Butterworth is the author. And he
didn't see it coming. He actually was a speaker, professional speaker and one
of his top topics was marriage and he was traveling around the country, and
that's how he earned his living.
not only he was blindsided by his wife's divorce, but the fact that if he
thought his career was coming to an end, and he had trouble forgiving himself.
When we come back, we're going to continue to break down 10 resolutions for the
Todd Orston: Hey, everyone. You're
listening to our podcast, but you have alternatives. You have choices. You can
listen to us live also at 1 AM on Monday morning on WSB.
Meriwether: If you're
enjoying the show, we would love it if you could go right us in iTunes or
wherever you may be listening to it. Give us a five star rating and tell us why
you like the show.
back everyone. This is Leh and Todd and we are your co-hosts for Divorce Team
Radio, a show sponsored by the divorce and family law firm of Meriwether &
Tharp. But if you want to read more about us, you can always check us out
online at atlantadivorceteam.com. If you want to read a transcript of this show
or go back and listen to it again, you could find it at divorcteamradio.com.
today, we're talking about the 10 New Year's resolutions for the recently
divorced. Obviously, it doesn't have to be a New Year's for you to apply these
resolutions. I mean if you've just been recently divorced, these are 10 things
you can do that are going to set you up for an emotional and financial success
in the future. The last time we were talking about forgiving yourself.
keep this one short because truthfully a lot of it lines up with forgiving your
spouse and because the same emotional... You can have the same problems by not
forgiving yourself as if you didn't forgive your spouse or you couldn't forgive
your spouse. So you need to address some of the good counselor, because
otherwise you become emotionally shackled by whatever guilt you feel from
coming out of that marriage.
Todd Orston: Yeah, emotional shackle. I
actually really like that term. It sounds like my favorite band from college.
The heavy, "I hate my spouse. I hate my... Going to the stage, The
Emotional Shackle." That's not what
we're talking about. I do like the term and you're right, it becomes a weight
that you are carrying with you. I don't know a good analogy. Sometimes I think
in those terms, but it's sort of like the person who has put on a lot of
weight. I'm not making fun. This is actually a serious comment. I'm not going
to break into more heavy metal lyrics.
don't realize the impact carrying all that weight has on you if somebody came
up, if you went from 110 pounds to 210 pounds. It happened over time. You don't
realize you're carrying that weight or the impact it has on you. If somebody
came over to you and put 100-pound backpack on you and said, "Tell me how
this is affecting you." It be a lot easier to tell, right? You be like,
"Oh, absolutely. Get this off. I'm not carrying this anymore." To me,
that emotional weight is even worse, right? Physical weight, I get it.
Meriwether: You can just take
it off easily.
Todd Orston: But that emotional weight,
you don't realize the impact it's having on you, on your body, on your
relationships, on your children, on friends. It has such an impact that you
can't even see because you put that weight on, overtime, and when you look in
the mirror, you don't recognize it. You don't see it so easily. You're just
sort of like, "This is me," right?
Todd Orston: That's why forgiving your
spouse and forgiving yourself, to me, incredibly difficult, but so important. I
would go so far as to say, again, one of the most important concepts that we've
talked about in the show.
Meriwether: Right. Now,
again, so forgiving your spouse, forgiving yourself, that's kind of... When it
comes to resolution acting on that as we all pointed out is very difficult. We
already gave one list. Find a good counselor, because that person's can help
you achieve those two things. Number five is another practical thing to do to
make sure you can achieve these other two, and that's join a good divorce
support group or make friends. A lot of times we go through divorce, you make
maybe join a hobby group, something you enjoy. Whether it's meetup.com or
something like that, can help you find groups for hobbies in your area. So
that's something that can help you move forward in your life by joining that
divorce support group. So just like you really... If you just got divorced, you
wouldn't want to go see that band, the emotional shackles, because the lyrics I
just heard. You also don't want to go divorce support group where it's just a
spouse bashing session.
Todd Orston: Yeah. And equally, you
don't want to go to a website like my exspouseissatan.com. It's all about
surround yourself with positivity. When you meet with these people, again,
should you be talking... Everybody wants tell a story, right? Everybody has
experiences and I have experiences in my life. In the right context, do I want
to tell some of those stories? Sure. But if this is a group or a website
dedicated to reliving that negativity, that's not what we're talking about.
Surround yourself with positivity. Surround yourself with people.
by the way, this goes with friends and family also. I'm not saying you cut
people out of your life, but I am saying maybe you don't need to talk about
your relationship woes with somebody if all they're doing is bringing it up and
bashing your former spouse and basically keeping you shackled in that sort of
pool of negativity. You got a move past it. And with the right friends, with
the right family, with the right counselor, with the right help, you can do it.
It's going to be hard, but you can do it.
Meriwether: So I would say
just like for finding that counselor, I would say, again, a practical tip, put
on your calendar. Maybe it's two weeks out. So two weeks out from today when
you're listening to this. All right. I'm going to research the support groups
in my area and you'll need some action items. Maybe, if you're involved in the
church. Maybe they have an organization like there's this thing called Oasis at
the churches that I'm involved in.
maybe you're not in a church. Maybe just where you are, maybe your counselor
know somebody. Maybe there there are local organizations that are not
affiliated with churches at all that has support group. So say in two weeks,
I'm going to reach out, I'm going to find all the support groups that are in my
area and when the next meeting is. And then three weeks out from today, I will
have picked one and then four weeks out... And that's a deadline. If you get it
all done in a week, great. But you're going to email whoever's in charge of
those meet ups, those meetings or groups, and you're going to get into one of
those groups. So that's a practical tip.
right. We're going to shift to finances now. So that's the emotional
components. Now, we're going to shift to some finances. Number six is update
your will, trust, insurance policies and estate plans, if any.
Todd Orston: It's so important. And too
often overlooked by people. When there is a big life change like a divorce,
there are undoubtedly and inevitably legal documents that at that point must
be... Not need to be, should be, whatever, must be updated and changed, okay?
If you established a will, that will more than likely, if it was prepared while
you were married, included as beneficiary, your spouse. I have to believe. I am
going out on a limb here, yet, in the event of your death, you don't want
anything additional flowing through your former spouse. I mean wild thought.
you have to think about that. You have to think about insurance policies that
named beneficiaries. Any kind of an insurance policy or anything where benefits
are being received or can be received, and it has a named beneficiary, you have
to look into changing that. And it's not the kind of thing that you should wait
because first of all, most of those things deal with the god forbid kind of
stuff, right? Well, that points too late, and it's too late for you to make
Meriwether: And I have seen
it before. One spouse forgot to do it. In fact, he got remarried and then the
ex-spouse received all the life insurance benefits, and there was nothing the
other person can do. Nothing.
Todd Orston: Yeah.
Meriwether: So real practical.
If your will did not have anything on your ex-spouse, make sure you got new
executors for the will. I mean, truthfully, you want to do a whole new will.
Todd Orston: By the way, it could be
simple. I'm sorry to interrupt, but if you have a will that only needs a couple
of tweaks, go back to that same attorney. Hopefully, you can because then that
attorney more than likely can pull up the same will, make a couple of tweaks
and then the cost is low, relatively speaking. So you don't need to go to a
brand-new attorney. And if you're happy with the work that was done previously,
then absolutely go to the same attorney. They should already be set up to be
able to make a couple of tweaks and have you execute a brand-new document.
Meriwether: Right. And update
any way living wills or anything like that, any powers of attorneys that you
may have for medical decisions or financial matters because often times it was
your spouse. Update those. Also, make sure your pensions, 401(k)s, IRAs, the
beneficiaries for those policies are updated, because of you pass away and you
have an updated it in yours, again, your spouse could get the benefits of that.
So make sure all those things are updated. And when we come back we're going to
talk about number seven, getting all your other finances in order, and what
just want to let you know that if you want to listen to the show live, you can
listen at 1:00 AM on Monday mornings on WSB. So you can always check us out
there as well.
Todd Orston: Better than like counting
sheep, I guess, right?
Meriwether: That's right.
Todd Orston: You can turn on the show
and we'll help you fall asleep.
Meriwether: There you go.
Todd Orston: I'll talk very soft.
Meriwether: Welcome back,
everyone. Welcome back, everyone. This is Leh and Todd and we are your co-hosts
for Divorce Team Radio, a show sponsored by the divorce and family law firm at
Meriwether & Tharp. If you want to read more about us, you can always check
us out online at atlantadivorceteam.com. And if you want to read a transcript
of this show or go back and listen to others, you can always, find them at
today, we're talking about the 10 New Year's resolutions, or I could say,
depending on the time of the year, you're listening to the 10 resolutions for
the newly divorced. So we shifted gears into finances. So number seven, it's a
general statement because were piling a bunch in there, but it's get your
finances in order.
Todd Orston: So important. Sorry. So
many people. We see so many people and they don't do this. They don't get their
personal finances in order. They don't think about their own budget. They don't
think about things that they need to do to protect themselves and better
manage. And sometimes, it simply because they were in a relationship or they
didn't have to deal with those things. And it's brand-new and it's a lot. It's
daunting. But you need to get your finances in order.
need to know what you have and develop plans to deal with debt and to manage
those assets. Even things in terms of just how about changing passwords. If you
didn't change banks, if you didn't change even accounts, if you were just
awarded accounts, make sure you go into it. I'm not saying that your spouse
will do anything improper, but it doesn't matter. Go in. Start fresh. Change
the passwords. Make sure that only you have access to that account.
have seen situations where people did do the wrong thing, and it's not only
wrong, it's criminal. But nonetheless protect the assets. All right? And also
very important. Too many people go through a divorce process and afterwards...
We have a lot of people actually call us and were like, "I went through a
divorce. Can I come in and meet with one of your attorney so we can sort of go
through with the terms are, make sure I understand everything that I need to
if you were represented that should never happen. Your attorney should have
educated you. But make sure you sit down and understand, practically speaking,
the terms and how it affects you. What are your rights? What are your obligations?
Because if you don't do that, you are opening the door to potential strife,
potential legal problems in the future.
Meriwether: Yeah, and we're
talking about specifically like perhaps one of you is supposed to do a
qualified domestic relations order. That's what you used to divide up a 401(k)
tax-free. Perhaps just a simple IRA that you need to split. So you need to make
sure those are taken care of timely. Perhaps one or both of you have to pay out
certain credit cards by certain dates as a condition of the settlement
sure those dates are on your calendar and make sure you are setting yourself up
to pay off those credit cards timely or perhaps are tied to the sale of the
house. So just make sure which credit cards they are, the numbers, the name on
the account. All the critical information, so that you and get it over to the
closing lawyer, so ideally you would have the closing lawyer send checks if
they'll do this directly to those credit card companies to pay it off in full.
Sometimes they won't do it. It depends on the closing lawyer.
Todd Orston: Yeah.
Meriwether: Have a breakdown
of all your assets and your liabilities associated with them. So whatever you
walk out on the divorce with, you want to break down... I'm not talking about a
furniture list, I'm talking about if you do have a 401(k) or certain bank
accounts, or savings accounts, or whatever it may be, and then share them with
a relative. If something happens to you, they can because now your spouse isn't
there. They can jump in and take care of things.
information for your mortgage or something like that. So whoever might be your
executor that you've already named in your new will, you want to list for them
to be able to get access to jump in and take care of all these different
accounts. So that's going to help set you up for success. Because in the past,
it was typically your spouse have it, now you don't have that stuff.
Todd Orston: And the challenges in doing
this, especially if it's not in your wheelhouse, If it's not something you're
comfortable with, leads into number eight.
Meriwether: Yup. Hire a good
Todd Orston: They're out there. There
are, and again there are good ones and bad ones. Interview. Find somebody that
has some experience that is going to apply some common sense kind of approaches
to helping you as you get your financial sea legs under you. All right? There
are people out there that can help and it makes sense. Especially if you are
dealing with assets and if it's the first time you've had to manage your own
estate, manage your own accounts and what have you, then a good financial
planner is going to give you tools to be successful.
Meriwether: And depending on
where you are, meaning... So let's say you don't have a whole lot in assets.
Maybe you're getting a divorce pretty young and you're like, "Yeah, but
one day I want to have assets." There are different places that you can
go. For example, I'm a big Dave Ramsey fan. You can go to daveramsey.com. And
this is not an endorsement. We don't get paid by him or anything, but I do know
people's lives have been turned around as a result of programs that he has that
are very inexpensive.
also has a list of potential financial planners and that he is vetted or his
organization is vetted in your area. But maybe for whatever reason, you don't
like Dave Ramsey, but use social media. Like here in Cherokee County where I
live for example, they've got this culture key connect and people post on there
all the time. "Hey, I'm need to find a new financial planner. Does anybody
have any recommendations?" And then you usually get 100 different
comments. Sometimes 50 of those comments will be the same financial planner and
the other 50 are broken up different organizations.
that's a great way to get a list of people that have had a positive experience
with their financial planners, and you can go meet with them. I mean, there's
also people like [Bo Varnado 00:40:43] that'll help you even with your budget.
He's a certified CDFA, certified divorce financial analyst. So there were all
kinds of options out there to help you, everything from your budget. If you
didn't take care of your divorce, hopefully you did come up with a budget in
your divorce, to different... We're talking multimillion dollar depending on
where you are. If you have a multimillion dollar state find someone that knows
how to handle this. All right. Well, let's move on to something that it can be
just as important as that, number nine.
Todd Orston: Yeah, I would say again,
these two are... If you truly have a desire to get out of the rut, to break
free of those emotional shackles, then nine and 10 are incredibly important.
Number nine, I will jump in and I'll say develop a regular exercise program,
okay? I'm not saying you've never worked out and you're going to be bench
pressing 400 by the end of the month, okay? I mean, I'm not strong, but I
understand most... My wife here is this one. [inaudible 00:42:09]. You can
spell gym, let alone find one.
exercise is incredibly important as a therapeutic tool, if for no reason other
than to effectuate the release of those endorphins and the serotonin basically
to help deal with issues of potential depression. If you're trying to move on
with your life, Exercise is a great tool to use.
Meriwether: I think there was
a... What is it called? About 2013, there was a study published in physical
activity. It was titled physical activity and the prevention of depression. The
October issue of the American Journal of Preventative Medicine. It was a review
of 25 different studies representing 26 years of scientific research, and it
concluded that moderate exercise, something as simple as walking, 20-30 minutes
every day, not only treats but also can prevent depression and people of all
age groups later in life.
that program can help get you through the dark times, because I mean, I don't
know anybody that didn't suffer from some sort of level of situational
depression as a result of their divorce. All right. So number 10. Read at least
one book on co-parenting and one self-help book in the next year.
Todd Orston: There are some great ones
out there. There are some that are eh. But even the eh ones, if you get into a
pattern of looking for that help, its out there. That advice is out there.
There are some fantastic books that can help refocus you on the positive rather
than the history, the negative.
Meriwether: And when it comes
to co-parenting, I know we've had two authors on our show, Diane Dierks. She
wrote The Co-Parent Tool Box and Tammy Daughtry. She wrote Co-Parenting Works.
The advantage of those books is they give you practical... Both of them are
very practical books. They not only talk about why it's so important, but how
to go about being a good co-parent. Get those two for sure and read one each
year and it will help you be a better co-parent. Find. There's all kinds of
self-help books out there that can help you move forward in life and complete
your 10 resolutions for the recently divorced. Hey, everyone. Thanks so much