10 Tips for a Healthy Holiday 

Speaker 1 (00:09):

Welcome everyone to Divorce Team Radio, sponsored by the divorce and family law firm of Merriweather and Thorpe. I'm your host, Todd Orton. Here we're going to learn about divorce, family law, and from time to time tips on how to save your marriage if it's in the middle of a crisis. If you want to read more about us, you can check us out online@atlantadivorceteam.com. Alright, let's get started. So we are once again heading into the holidays and I look at it a couple of different ways. Sometimes oftentimes I will have that same level of excitement many people have, we have some happy times ahead. As a divorce lawyer, unfortunately I become a little more jaded. I become a little more cautious in that optimism and it's because during holidays unfortunately, that's when conflicts come up, especially when there are children and what should be a fantastic fun time for you, for your family, for the children becomes anything. But I mean I've seen pretty horrible stuff.

(01:44):

I've seen situations where there are family get togethers and it goes from we passing the mashed potatoes and the Turkey to there's five cop cars outside where one party or the other went to the other one's house or a family member's house and there's door pounding and yelling and screaming. And as horrible as it is for the adults, the experience for the children, it's horrible. And I want nothing more than for you to be able to avoid that. I mean, what I was just talking about are extremes. But even if, and I certainly hope you're not dealing with an extreme example, that doesn't mean that it's still a good healthy holiday experience, but there are ways you can do that. Meaning there are ways you can have a healthy holiday season. And that's what we're going to go into today. I want to talk about 10 tips to hopefully guarantee you have a happy holiday season. All right, time of recording. We just got through Halloween, so this weekend is going to be me putting everything away.

(03:28):

And so now we can look forward to a couple of really big holidays. We've got obviously Thanksgiving coming up, then December and we have Christmas and Hanukkah and Kwanza and we have all these fun things. And then New Year's Eve, there's a lot of potentially fun, wonderful family time coming up. And so I'm going to go into and we're going to talk about 10 tips to ensure that these upcoming holidays are the best that they can be. I know I speak for everyone at Meriweather and Tharp. I know I am 99.9% confident. I can speak for every attorney, every judge, anyone in the business of helping people dealing with custody issues, divorce, all of that, that we don't want there to be this conflict. So these tips hopefully are going to sort of get you on track so that you can hopefully ensure that you will have as positive and as healthy a holiday time as possible. So let's start with number one. And I was trying to figure out what number one should be, and so I wanted to put my money where my mouth is and I always say the children are and should be the priority. So number one is prioritize the children.

(05:23):

Well, what does that mean? Your kids are your priority. There are very few parents where if you say what is your priority? They're not going to be like, well, my Xbox is really my priority or I like to play golf. And yeah, I kind of love that more than my kids. So most people are going to say, my kids are my priority, but what am I talking about? What I'm saying and what I'm talking about is that when we're talking about prioritizing children, it's not good enough to just stop at. I give them clothes, food, my love. Obviously they are my priority.

(06:14):

You have to also meet them in that emotional space where you are meeting those needs also. And the problem is that emotion sometimes clouds things makes you lose sight of what prioritizing children's needs means. Your emotions are running high. You are either in the middle of a divorce, you've just gone through a divorce. Maybe this is your first holiday season post-divorce, maybe it's your 10th. But if you've had historic conflict with the other side, can you really say that you are prioritizing your children and their needs if you are allowing the emotion to cloud judgment and affect your behavior, which is behavior that is witnessed by kids.

(07:16):

So prioritizing the children during the holidays, what does that mean? Think about what they in their little minds think about what they want out of this holiday season. I think back when I was a child and school was starting to wrap up, we're heading towards one of these seasonal breaks from school and I was lucky I didn't have to think about, well, am I going to spend the next week or however long the break is? Listening to my parents fight, I was thinking about I get to be with my family, I get to be with my friends. I'm going to eat way too much Turkey, then I'm going to eat more Turkey the next day, maybe the day after that until I can eat Turkey no more.

(08:19):

So think about what they want and what in their little minds they are envisioning for their holiday break. Think about those activities that they would want to participate in. Of course, think about what gifts you can afford that are reasonable that they would want. Think about the joy it's going to bring them, the meals that you can cook so everyone can overeat. But while you're thinking about those material things, don't forget the most important one. Think about the happiness and the happy feelings they want to experience. We all know you don't need me to tell you this.

(09:06):

Children aren't immune to the fighting when there's stress in the family, when there's fighting arguing, they're witness to that and it affects them. So prioritize the children means think about their experience, think about what they're going to want to do and see and experience and understand that at the very core it needs to be sans conflict. Whatever you feel towards the other party, put it aside. There will be time to deal with those issues. Your kids don't need to be witness to it. Let them have a positive memory and that positive memory, you're going to give them that first and foremost by shielding them from the stress and the conflict that you are dealing with. So that is number one because obviously that's the point of the show, how to get through this holiday in a positive way and to make it not only a positive experience for you but for your children. When we come back, we'll jump into tip number two and that is set reasonable expectations for yourself, not just for the children, but make sure you're setting your own reasonable expectations of what this holiday is going to look like and what the experience is going to feel like for everyone involved. We'll be right back.

Speaker 2 (10:58):

I just wanted to let you know that if you ever want to listen to the show live, you can listen at 1:00 AM on Monday mornings, WSB, so you can always check us out there as well.

Speaker 1 (11:09):

Better than Counting Sheep, I guess, right? That's right. You can turn on the show and we'll help you fall asleep.

Speaker 2 (11:16):

There you go, I'll

Speaker 1 (11:16):

Talk very soft.

(11:20):

Welcome back everyone to Divorce Team Radio, sponsored by the divorce and family law firm of Merriweather and Tharp. I'm your host, Todd Orton, and if you want to read more about us, you can check us out online@atlantadivorceteam.com. But if you want to read transcripts of the show or other shows or listen to shows, again, you can find it@divorceteamradio.com. Today I'm talking about tips to have a successful, healthy, happy holiday season. While that should come naturally, it should just happen, right? It's a happy time of year, it's a time away from school, time away from work. It should just naturally be positive. But when you're going through a divorce, if you've gone through a divorce, if you have perhaps not the healthiest relationship with your spouse or former spouse, then well, a happy holiday isn't guaranteed.

(12:31):

I don't need to tell you that. I mean is pretty obvious, but there are things you can do. And in the first part of the show I talked about the number one thing, which is when there are children involved, you need to prioritize the children, prioritize their needs, put aside your emotion, put aside your anger, and focus on what is going to make this the best holiday, the best experience for your children. And number one is to make sure they're shielded from the drama, shielded from the anger you might be feeling and hopefully your spouse will do the same thing. Whatever you guys feel about each other, and I hope you can put that aside for your own mental health and your own wellbeing. I'm hoping cope. You can co-parent well, but if for no reason other than to guarantee the happiness of your kids, then you need to work on prioritizing the children and what is going to make this the happiest holiday for them. Well number two is setting reasonable expectations. And what I mean by that is for yourself, you've potentially gone through or you're going through a stressful custody, action, divorce, whatever.

(14:08):

It is not uncommon for people to create this idealistic vision of what the holiday should look like. Everything's going to be perfect, everything needs to be perfect. You want to walk in, maybe that tree is sitting in the corner, the angel on top is singing to everybody. I mean, it is a thing of beauty, but maybe that's not realistic. Definitely the singing angel, but you know what I'm saying. If you have too idealistic a vision of what the holiday looks like, maybe you're making it a little more difficult than it needs to be in terms of achieving your goal, achieving that expectation that you've now set perfection does not exist. You need to focus on the good you paint too rosy a picture of what you expect out of the holiday and you may very well be disappointed. The holiday should be a time of healing, fun, family food.

(15:25):

So set a reasonable expectation for yourself, envision what a good, healthy, reasonable holiday experience would look like and that becomes that foundation where you can start to work towards making that a reality. Alright, number three, incredibly important cooperation with the other parent. You at least have to try and nothing I say should be taken as some naive statement that ignores the fact that sometimes people just don't get along. Sometimes co-parenting with a person is difficult, I get it. Doesn't mean you can't try. And there are basic things you can do to try keep your communications cordial. I mean if you're friendly, you don't have to backtrack to cordial. I'm just saying if you're not at cordial, try to be cordial. Communicate calmly, civilly, respectfully, even if they don't reciprocate that old adage of if you don't have something nice to say, nothing that works. And I'm, I'm not sitting here in judgment, I'm still talking as an attorney. And remember, anything you say can and may be used against you in a court of law.

(17:18):

Anything you say could be recorded. Anything you write could be saved and potentially used in some future action. So if for no reason other than that, try to be calm, try to speak respectfully, calmly. I mean there are some parents I've seen where holidays, they still spend it all together. That's not the norm. That's great if you can do it, but it's not the norm. There's still plenty of people, plenty of situations where unfortunately communication is strained and that is an understatement. But you need to put that aside, put aside that anger and go back to to number one of prioritizing the children.

(18:19):

And that starts, I believe, with making sure that you're not allowing the communication to become poisonous. Try to work with the other parent, try to cooperate with the other parent. Now that leads me to obviously a very important part of a holiday schedule, and that is reach an agreement on a schedule and follow it. If you're working with the other party, communicating with the other party, then one of the things you should already have, and if you don't, you should be working on and you should be working on it as soon as possible, is a schedule. So don't wait last minute. Negotiations are a recipe for conflict. Last minute variations are a recipe for disaster too.

(19:28):

Obviously don't violate the terms you agree upon. Also, equally important is don't emotionally react if the other side does violate those terms. Doesn't mean you can't get angry, doesn't mean you should just accept, oh, you're supposed to get Thanksgiving. Well, too bad, so sad, I'm going to keep the kids with me. I'm not saying you just roll over and accept that, but think about your reaction. Think about how to react in a reasonable way. Just because you can call police doesn't mean you should call police. So tips to deal with that. Try to anticipate if a problem could arise relating to a holiday schedule. I've already said you should be reaching that agreement well in advance, but as you're approaching the holidays, try to anticipate a problem. Maybe even confront it. Hey, I just want to make sure there's not going to be an issue I'm going to pick up at this time. Maybe I'll pick up at school, maybe I'll pick up whatever the agreement is, whatever the terms are.

(20:48):

Just want to clarify this is what's going to happen. And you do that in advance. So well, no, I don't think that's going to work for me. Well, that's a problem. Let's talk about that. Let's try and work it out. I definitely don't want there to be an issue when I'm picking up the kids. So talk to me, what are your reservations and why is this no longer an appropriate plan for us? If you anticipate the problems, then you can communicate with your attorney if you have one to talk about steps you can use or take to try and avoid the problem. And also you can have a plan in place to address the issue if it comes up. Meaning if the other party does something unfortunate, you're ready to address it in a calm, reasonable, and hopefully effective way. Alright, when we get back, let's talk about not going too crazy during the holidays. Don't go overboard because I've seen that unfortunately and it carries its own set of problems. We'll be right back. Hey everyone, you're listening to our podcast, but you have alternatives, you have choices. You can listen to us live also at 1:00 AM on Monday morning on WSB.

Speaker 2 (22:23):

If you're enjoying the show, we would love it if you could go rate us in iTunes or wherever you may be listening to it. Give us a five star rating and tell us why you like the show.

Speaker 1 (22:38):

Welcome back everyone to Divorce Team Radio, sponsored by Merriweather and Tharp. I'm Todd Orton, partner at Merriweather and Tharp. And if you want to read more about us, check us out online@atlantadivorceteam.com. If you want to read transcripts, listen to shows, go to divorce team radio.com. Today I'm talking about how to have a successful holiday experience, 10 tips that will hopefully help you have a positive holiday experience. As you can probably imagine, it doesn't always play out that way, not in the divorce and family law context. Holidays should be a time of happiness, but unfortunately they can be very emotional and it can result in disagreement and conflict.

(23:41):

We don't want that to happen. We don't want it for you, we don't want it for your kids. So we're talking about some tips on how to possibly avoid that and to potentially guarantee a happy, healthy holiday. So let's talk about this next one, which is don't go overboard. What does that mean? Maybe we've all seen something like this, but there is the potential for overcompensation during a holiday, especially when it is a holiday coming right after or during a divorce. One party just wants to go a little bit crazy in terms of what they're doing, what they're doing for the children, what they're buying for the children that can create its own problems.

(24:54):

And it's not healthy. And I think you can talk to any therapist about this, that it is not healthy. You're not going to you, you're not going to buy the children's love and affection and all you're doing is creating a situation where you do that. The other party tries to do it. Now all of a sudden you're in essence spoiling the kids. And this is all coming at the same time that these kids are unfortunately trying to deal with the underlying conflict between you and their other parent. So keep it reasonable. An 8-year-old doesn't need an 85 inch smart TV in their room.

(25:48):

I mean, that'd be nice, but they don't need that. You don't need to hire Snoop Dogg to mc or Thanksgiving dinner. That'd be really cool. But keep it reasonable. It's not about the material stuff. I mean kids want gifts, I get it. But I think we can all agree it's not about the material stuff as much as it is about family and creating a positive experience for everybody involved. Alright, let's talk about the sixth one, which is this tip can be difficult. I get it. And it goes back to maybe underlying distrust, underlying emotional feelings, anger, frustration, whatever you have with the other parent.

(27:00):

But be positive about the children's experiences with the other parent. And I'm not talking about you have to just be a cheerleader, just, oh my goodness, that experience is the best of the best of the best. That's not what I'm saying. But if you know they're going over to grandma's, you don't need to continuously mention that Grandma's brisket typically looks, feels and tastes like old bootle. You don't have to comment on trips, parties, events, relatives. You don't need to make these negative comments. I mean, you may know the other party's a huge troublemaker and the family is bad news, but you don't need to remind the children about it. Go back to tip number one.

(28:03):

Prioritize the children and their needs. Do they need to be told grandma doesn't know how to cook? Do they need to be reminded that Uncle Carl spent a couple of years in prison and you really need to just stay away from grandpa because he drinks too much? I mean, obviously that could be a real issue if it's correct, but you don't need to be saying these things, especially to young kids. There's only one reason why you're doing it and it's just, it's not productive. And the reason typically is not a healthier productive reason. So focus on the children's needs and be positive. Oh, you went out to dinner. Where'd you go? Italian food. Fantastic. How was it? Was it good? Great. If they tell you the restaurant and you're like, oh my gosh, that is garbage. You don't need to say to the kids, oh really? They only wanted to take you there, huh?

(29:18):

Just be positive. Did you have a nice time? Yeah. Did you eat too many garlic rolls? Yes you did. Fantastic. Maybe we'll go for a walk after our dinner and work off some of those rolls. So be positive Number seven. Also very difficult, but very important. Don't get triggered by the other party. Don't get triggered by their words. Don't get triggered by their actions. All right? And I know that's easier said than done, but if you're heading into a holiday and you know, don't have a healthy co-parenting relationship. If you know the other party knows how to push your buttons, don't allow it.

(30:13):

I've talked about this before. It's that old story of the scorpion in the toad. I'm not going to tell the whole story, but the scorpion basically says, Hey Toad, can you swim me across the river? Toad says, no, you'll bite me, you'll sting me. Come on, come on, come on. I won't. Alright. They get halfway across Scorpion stings. Toad says, now we're both going to drown. Why'd you do it? Because I'm a scorpion, so don't be surprised that I stung you. Well, the same thing here. If you know they can push your buttons, if they are that scorpion, don't be surprised. Don't let it trigger you sticking with an animal theme. It's water off a duck's back. You need to just let it go. Now if they verbally poke at you, and I'm sitting here saying, try and ignore it, that doesn't mean you can't collect information for later use.

(31:19):

What I'm saying is stay calm, don't overreact. They send you a text where they're calling you names, where they're saying, oh, I'm going to do something which would interfere with your holiday. I'm not saying you ignore it, but don't respond angrily. Don't respond either in that written response or definitely don't go to the kids and say, this is what your mom or dad is trying to do. And now drag them into this fight. Evidence of poor aggressive communication threats to do things or not do things may be valuable evidence later, but that evidence is going to be weakened if you respond inappropriately. And I have seen that before. I had a case once where it seemed like almost every time my client had an upcoming parenting time scheduled, the other side would do something like, oh, is today the day with your dad? It's alright, we were going to go to the lake, maybe drive the boat around, but it's fine. We'll do that another time. No, we're going to go to the lake, but you go with your dad and we will go to the lake some other time. And then that young child, what do you think he or she was doing? Dad, can I go to the lake? I really want to go ride a boat. Is that appropriate? No, it's not. If you call and yell and scream

(33:04):

Sometimes that's the only thing the judge is now hearing. And therefore you've weakened your own argument that the other party is engaging in that bad behavior. Alright, when we come back, I want to jump into tip number eight and we'll talk about how you need to take care of yourself. We'll be right back.

Speaker 2 (33:31):

I just wanted to let you know that if you ever wanted to listen to the show live, you can listen at 1:00 AM on Monday mornings on WSB, so you can always check us out there as

Speaker 1 (33:41):

Well. Better than counting Sheep, I guess, right? That's right. You can turn on the show and we'll help you fall asleep. There you go. I'll talk very

Speaker 3 (33:50):

Softly.

Speaker 1 (33:57):

Welcome back everyone to Divorce Team Radio, a show sponsored by the Divorce and Family Law firm of Merriwether and Tharp. I'm Todd Worton, and if you want to read more about us, check us out online@atlantadivorceteam.com. You want to read transcripts, listen to shows, go to divorce team radio.com. Also wanted to let you know if you want to listen to the show live. You can listen at 1:00 AM on Monday mornings on WSB. Alright, so talking about 10 tips to ensure a successful, happy, healthy holiday season. I've talked about prioritizing the children, setting reasonable expectations for yourself, cooperation with the other parent, communication, healthy communication. Don't go overboard. Reach an agreement regarding scheduling. Be positive about the experiences the child has with the other parent. So now let's talk about, let's refocus on you. Take care of yourself.

(35:08):

I know that you might be hearing that going. All right, Todd, I get it. Fine. I will take care of myself. But that's really important. If you're not in a healthy place, how can you provide a healthy environment for your kids? How can you provide a healthy experience for your children? The analogy I was about is the airplane analogy, metaphor, whatever we've all, I'm assuming, been on a plane, you get that warning in the event of a loss of pressure, oxygen mask is going to drop down. And what do they tell you? They tell you need to, even though you may be with children or somebody else that has a need, you need to get that mask on yourself, then focus on helping others. If you're not okay, how can you be there to help the person next to you? So the same thing goes here. If you are not okay, why are you surprised if that same stress you are experiencing is bleeding over and impacting your children? So it is incredibly important. You need to take care of yourself, get that mask on you, then you're going to hopefully guarantee you can create a happy, healthy environment and experience for your children. And that leads into the ninth tip, which is talk to someone, find an outlet. You do not have to, nor should you go this alone.

(37:23):

And by the way, and we've talked about this here before, also, the friend or a family member who went through a similar situation may not be the best sounding board. Just because they had an experience doesn't mean they are the right voice that you need to be listening to. I mean, every experience is a little different. The way people react can be different. And you may be talking to somebody who was treated poorly and you're explaining your situation and their reaction is one of anger, which is exactly what you don't need. You need people in your life, people, and I'm not saying to get rid of that person, but I'm saying you need to be talking with people who will bring calm to the situation, not individuals who are going to fan the flames. The advice you're getting from that person may be more of an aggressive approach that benefits no one, especially kids. Talking with a professional can be incredibly valuable. There's nothing to be embarrassed about other than, and I'm being very honest here, other than cost. There's no, in my mind, there's no reason why you shouldn't be talking with someone. This is a stressful, one of the most stressful points in a life, right? One of the most stressful events, life events that can occur. A divorce, I mean, and dealing with this co-parenting type relationship, even if you were never married, it can be incredibly stressful.

(39:17):

So there are professionals out there who are incredibly valuable, helpful, and you need to look and find the right one. They're going to help you not just, just generally, but also specifically as you're approaching holidays, especially if you know that the emotions are going to hit you hard during the holidays. If you are going back to number one, prioritizing the children, then if you don't get some help, if you don't talk to someone and get some assistance, some counseling, then your feelings, your emotions may very well impact the kids. They will pick up on that. So you have to find the right person to talk to, consider their approach and their philosophy, their motivation. Going back to a friend who maybe went through something similar and is filled with anger.

(40:30):

You need someone calm and nurturing and understanding, and they are there at all different price points. They may be available through your employer, your healthcare plan. But the point is, talk to someone. Find someone that's going to help dramatically. I believe you have this healthy holiday season that I'm talking about and I saved the last, or for the last one, I say what I think is a fun tip and that is start a new tradition. I've had clients who did this, and I'll be honest with you, it can be very cathartic, it can be very healing. It can be very therapeutic simply because you are starting something new. It's a new stage in your life. It is something that you are just creating and making it your own. It's something brand new to your family.

(41:51):

You're shedding off that old skin and figuring something new that your family will love, hopefully young kids instead of buying a pumpkin at the grocer. And good Lord, for Halloween, I just went out and every year it just seems like, I forget how expensive pumpkins are. And anyway, I got some great ones. But instead of just going to the grocer, think about taking the kids if they're young enough to a pumpkin patch. I have clients and friends who take the kids to go apple picking. It doesn't always have to be picking a vegetable or a fruit, but the point is, those can be experiences where in Georgia, when my kids were growing up, I would take them to a pumpkin patch. It's not just about going and buying some pumpkins, hay rides, face painting, unhealthy food. There's so much there and it becomes an experience. And if it's not something your family has done, that becomes yours. Your experience with the kids, a happy event that becomes one hopefully of many happy events during this holiday season.

(43:27):

And once again, the kids are focused on hay rides and eating too much bad, unhealthy food and less about how mom and dad are bickering. It gets back to what their needs are. It gets back to creating a happy time for everyone, not just the kids. I know I'm focused on the kids. You deserve it. Also, I understand you are angry or whatever emotion you're feeling, I get it. At some point you got to sort of put it aside and just say to yourself, I'm going to have a good time this season. I'm going to be happy. This anger, it's for the birds. I don't want to feel anger anymore. I want to focus on my children. I want to focus on me. And if you listen to your inner voice and if you follow these tips, I think absolutely anyone can and will have that happy holiday that they're looking for. I hope you have a happy holiday. Thanks for listening.