The Emotional Challenge of Divorce Communication
At Meriwether & Tharp, we understand that divorce is one of the most
emotionally challenging experiences an individual can face. Emotions tend to
cloud judgment, and communication between divorcing parties often becomes more
difficult. When both parties become hurt or angry, the urge to win an argument
or make a point often trumps the goal of reaching a mutual understanding.
When emotions are high, the brain's ability to reason effectively
diminishes because the prefrontal cortex (the part of the brain responsible for
logical thinking) gets overtaken by the part of the brain which controls
emotion. Reactive communication often follows, rather than thoughtful dialogue.
This can lead to misunderstandings, defensiveness, and further conflict.
When Winning Replaces Understanding
One of the most common pitfalls during divorce is communicating with the
goal of being right rather than being understood. Rather than listening to each
other, divorcing individuals often focus on preparing their rebuttals. In this
state, even innocent statements can be misinterpreted or taken out of context. Over
time, this lack of productive engagement leads to breakdowns in relationships
that could otherwise transition more peacefully.
Understanding each other does not necessarily mean agreeing on everything.
It also means being willing to hear the other side and engage in conversation
with empathy and intention.
The Hierarchy of Communication
Communication during divorce doesn't just suffer from emotional tension.
It also suffers based on the method of communication used. Some forms of
communication leave more room for misunderstanding than others.
The most effective form is in-person verbal communication, which includes
tone, body language, and facial expressions. These cues often clarify the
individual's intent behind their words.
Next is verbal communication without visual contact, such as a phone
call. While voice can still carry emotion, you lose the nonverbal cues that
often add clarity.
Then comes written communication through emails or letters. These allow
for thought and reflection but lack tone and body language. It's easy to read an
unintended emotion into a written message.
Finally, the least effective and most misinterpreted method is text
messaging. While fast and convenient, texts are stripped of tone and context,
making them especially risky when emotions are running high.
Communicating with Intention, Not Emotion
While healthy communication during divorce isn't impossible, it does
require effort and awareness. Enter into conversations with a mindset of
listening and understanding. Sometimes, stepping away and waiting until
emotions have settled can make a significant difference. While some people
recommend not to go to bed angry, something as simple as sleeping on a tough
conversation can provide the clarity needed to communicate more effectively the
next day.
Divorce
may land individuals on opposite sides of a legal case. However, successful
co-parenting, future cooperation, and a smoother divorce process all begin with
healthy communication. The goal isn't to win; it's to understand and be
understood.